Dear Ask Anything,

How old is too old to go trick-or-treating?

Sincerely,
Up in the Air

Well, the good news is this is a college newspaper. For you, the answer is no – you are obviously too old. But I can elaborate for your question’s sake.

I think there’s a direct correlation between puberty and level of appropriateness associated with trick-or-treating. As you hit your growth spurt, your voice changes and the acne starts showing up, people start to ask, “Aren’t you a little old?”

No one wants to experience that. So to help you get out if you still can, we’ve made this graph to illustrate how appropriate it is for you to go trick-or-treating at different age levels based on the initial smiles you’ll get at the doors of your neighbors.

As you can see at a certain point, the irony is so thick that you might get a few smiles out of sheer ridiculousness or more often, pity. Just as a warning, if you’re too old, you definitely won’t receive that much candy. But luckily you probably have a job, so just go buy your own candy and grow up.