Some movies are good. Some movies are bad. Some movies are the worst. Since I am DEFINITELY one of the film critic elite, I’ll sit back on my silk furniture, eat chocolate covered everything and I’ll trudge through the snake pit of Hollywood’s worst undertakings so you don’t have to. Fulfilling both my quota for a contribution to society and your insatiable need to feast on laffs by the dozen!

ALSO, this movie has already pretty much spoiled itself by existing, but I should warn you that there are a few SPOILERS, not that you’d be interested in seeing it anyway after I absolutely FILET it. You know the drill.

Have you guys ever invented a time machine? No? Interesting.

ME NEITHER.

I didn’t think it was possible; I didn’t think human technology was quite there yet, but after watching “Click,” I realized the missing link: ANGEL

TECHNOLOGY.

Now I feel dumb for not realizing it sooner.

Apparently, anything (read: making a horrible, awful film) is possible with Happy Madison productions behind you and Adam Sandler makes that abundantly clear with “Click.”

Even so far as having Christopher Walken, the angel of death, invent a time machine for him to use is just another day in the life!
So, “Click.” What a ‘movie,’ am I right?

I hesitate to call it a movie because it was so bad that I nearly cried for help for someone to stop it and the last time I cried for help, I was four years old and I got separated from my parents and was lost and alone in the snake house at the Milwaukee Zoo. It was terrible!

Interestingly enough, that and watching “Click” are probably tied for the two worst experiences of my life … and I even once got hit by a baseball in Little League.

Oh gosh, where to start?

I suppose I could start at the beginning of the movie when Adam Sandler is a big dumb idiot in both this snake house and probably real life.
Oh no, wait! I actually should start by telling you about the “Entertainment Weekly” list of seven ways to tell you’re watching an Adam Sandler movie. It’s very good and accurate.

It shows that at least he’s consistent with the fart jokes and the unbelievable wives, but Kate Beckinsale? Come on, Sandler, you’re insulting our intelligence, which, if you roped us into seeing “Click” already, mustn’t be too top tier to begin with.

The point is: EVERY ADAM SANDLER MOVIE IS THE SAME, but this one is arguably the schlubbiest silver tortilla of ill decisions with canned chili poured all over it — of them all.

Anyway, throughout the beginning (and also the rest) of this snake house, he’s basically a terrible guy who doesn’t care about his family. All he cares about is his job (architect (lol)), Twinkies and his dog humping a stuffed animal duck (here would be an excellent spot for a tasteful, witty joke about what you just heard, but you’re probably speechless and I’m baffled, so let’s just call it quits).

Then after one of his characteristic “rampages,” Adam Sandler goes to Bed, Bath and Beyond (don’t we all, ladies?), where every sign is either “bed” or “bath” until he sees a doorway labeled “BEYOND.” Joke landed. He really sunk into Big Home furnishings with that one. Satire!
Anyway, he goes in and finds Christopher Walken doing science and asks him if he can help him find a universal remote.

Christopher Walken says “yeah” and gives him a remote because Adam Sandler looks like a good guy (he has not proven it thus far), but (GASP) he thought Adam Sandler said “universe remote.” TWIST! Christopher Walken says, “It’s an advanced piece of equipment, like TiVO”* and it’s to be used carefully, but Adam Sandler doesn’t care about that.

He now has a remote that can fast forward, rewind, mute and add subtitles just like any other remote. BUT IT’S NOT ANY OTHER REMOTE. Regular rules apply, but to real life!

What? Real life!

So then there’s 45 minutes of him playing around with it, fast-forwarding through fights with his wife, family dinners with his parents, basically the LAMEST STUFF EVER, RIGHT GUYS? He doesn’t care that he’s missing these things. Who would? Us respectful adults? Yes.

But then (TWIST 2!) the remote has a mind of its own, like Terminator or Robocop or I-Robot or WALL-E, and it fast-forwards through WHATEVER IT FEELS LIKE because it’s a robot and it pretty much hates Adam Sandler (I can get behind that), not to mention it probably hates all of human kind. I understand that! I mean, if I was a highly intelligent robot and I was put into Adam Sandler’s grimy paws, I’d be pretty upset with everyone that let it happen (lookin’ at you, America).

Anyway, it fast forwards through his kids growing up, his father’s death, his promotion, his timely purchase of a smart house, his divorce, his wife’s remarriage to swim coach Samwise Gamgee — like, pretty much his whole life! Gone! Like that! Boom!

He then gets really bummed and dies in a rainy parking lot, but WAIT! TWIST 3! It was all a dream. Adam Sandler wakes up in Bed, Bath and Beyond (if I had a quarter for everytime that happened to me …) to realize he had dreamed the whole thing. He’s still young, his wife is still Kate Beckinsale, his dad is still alive, etc.

He tells everyone that he loves them, and he gives a giant cooked goose to Bob Cratchit and his family on Christmas morning. Happiness abounds! The End! Who wins?

Nobody.

The tagline for this movie should be: Adam Sandler cheats at life, gets really fat and feels bad about it.
So, he learns his lesson. The lesson is: You can

create a time machine, but in order to use it, you have to hate your family.
Another lesson is: WHY ARE YOU WATCHING THIS SNAKE HOUSE? Go to bed.

*Can’t wait for TiVO to be outdated and this joke to still be unfunny.