I’m not a big ocean guy. The most I’ve ever been on a boat was taking the ferry across Lake Michigan one summer when I was a pre-teen, but I HAVE seen both “Titanic” AND “The Life Aquatic,” so I guess you could say I’m an expert on boat things. For example, the anchor is used to hold the boat down.

Now, I don’t know if I just didn’t get it or if the movie “Ghost Ship” was a just big garbage pile stacked to the moon. I’m going to go with moongarbage.

The moongarbage starts on a fancy boat in the ’60s where there’s a really nice party going on. But then a boat thing (I’ll spare you the details, but for the record I do know what happened) happens, a cable snaps and cuts EVERYONE IN HALF.

Let’s talk about the beginning of the movie as something that could potentially happen maybe. SURE! I totally know what you mean! I’ve seen a cable snap and cut everyone in half a thousand times! It happened at my gym this morning!

FALSE. This sequence is so dumb. They couldn’t just have something normal happen like the plague or Anthrax (the band) kill everyone. That was someone’s FINAL DECISION to have everyone cut in half, so clearly the majority of the art direction in this film comes directly from the doodles in an eighth grader’s algebra notebook.

Anyway, the only person to avoid it is a little girl who was too short to get her head cut off. She was probably too poor to afford heels.

Then we cut (hey-o) to a ragtag crew of tugboaters (I know that’s an official boat job name) who get a tip from the devil that there’s this abandoned ship floating somewhere in the ocean.

Then all of their eyes turn to dollar signs! Their greed pours out of them like they’re porcelain fountains. They decide that the abandoned ship is worth lots of cash and decide to go after it with their tugboat. LOVE THAT SWEET, SWEET $$$, BABY!

Anyway, they leave and they accidentally RUN INTO THE ABANDONED SHIP! I mean, all of us boat experts know that you’re totally dumb if you run into a giant boat. Especially one filled with ghosts!

See, the party at the beginning turned everyone into ghosts, and the boat has just been floating there for half a century, which is totally realistic because (expert’s note:) there are no storms or wind on the ocean.

But the thing is, everyone on the tugboat crew is so dumb!

I mean, if I accidentally ran into an ocean liner filled with ghosts, drank the captain’s gross, old whiskey, talked to ghosts that tell me that my partner is the devil and I believe them, I would slap my own mother for giving birth to such an unthinkable, idiotic troll of a person.

There’s a part (the worst part, actually) when one of the guys in the dumb crew sees the ghost of a sexy lounge singer and he says, “Well, it’s not cheating (on his fiancée) if it’s with a dead girl, right?” HE SAYS THAT. Then he goes after the sexy ghost, but she leads him into a trap and he falls down a shaft and dies.

Good.

And at one point, a girl on the crew opens a door and the door barfs out a bunch of decaying bodies and SHE DOESN’T START THROWING UP ALL OVER THE PLACE. I think a normal, non-robot would react PRETTY DRASTICALLY to having dead, gross zombie bodies poured on their feet, but she acts like it’s another SNL talk-show sketch.

Also, there’s this whole thing about the devil. He says, “I’m a harvester. You harvest ships, I harvest souls.” BARFBARFBARFBARFBARFBARFLOL.

All in all, this movie (though the title may have a profound meaning) is an absolutely barfworthy catastrophe of moongarbage.

I give it 5 out of 5 HRG’s