Some movies are good. Some movies are bad. Some movies are the worst. Since I am DEFINITELY one of the film critic elite, I’ll sit back on my silk furniture, eat chocolate covered everything and I’ll trudge through the snake pit of Hollywood’s worst undertakings so you don’t have to, fulfilling both my quota for a contribution to society and your insatiable need to feast on laffs by the dozen!

ALSO, this movie has already pretty much spoiled itself by existing, but I should warn you that there are a few SPOILERS, not that you’d be interested in seeing it anyway after I absolutely FILLET it. You know the drill.

You guys, I’m a dude; I generally am OK with dude stuff like ground sirloin and urinals and facial hair; that’s fine to me. I appreciate a good running game and I’m confident that I know what a smokehouse is.

What I don’t typically appreciate is when terrible directors/people make incredible sweeping generalizations about men so I get lumped in there next to dudes that enjoy UFC fight night and a case of Keystone with a few bros or hunting deer before Entourage or pumping “Banana Pancakes” through sub-woofers covered in energy drink stickers. That’s not me.

So when I watched “Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen,” a horrible robo-disaster rank with huge boring robot fights, unnecessary fire, Megan Fox on motorcycles, racially degenerative robots, really a whole lot of humping, Linkin Park and the broadest slapstick, I gotta say: NO THANKS, BRO. That is a poisonous witches’ concoction that I want nothing to do with.

Now, I’m not naïve. I get that maybe some people probably think having a tiny robot hump Megan Fox’s leg is maybe kind of funny, but I’m pretty sure all of those people are either a.) 13 years old and smoking marijuana, b.) living in a pile of garbage behind a Shell Station/Arby’s combo or c.) someone who owns both Alvin and the Chipmunks and its Squeakquel on HD DVD.

Anyway, let’s talk about this some more.

If I had to compare the viewing experience to something real, I’d say that watching “Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen” is like putting gasoline, a crank shaft (is that a real car thing?) and a gallon of human sweat into a Magic Bullet and then being forced to drink it steadily for two and a half hours.

The movie starts with robot fight #1 where some robots fight and it’s crazy boring (I don’t actually remember how the movie starts, so this is an assumption).

Then we cut back to Shia LeBeouf living in California, probably. EVERYONE IS SO TAN, and mostly everyone is glistening. Not like shimmering/glistening; it’s more like justbeingcookedonaspit/glistening.

Anyway, Shia LeBeeouueouuouf is going to college, and his parents are pretty upset, but they also are so annoying and they suck, so whatever.

Shia realizes that he has a piece of this magic cube or something that burns through floors and turns everything into TRANSFORMERS! And he touched it (accidentally?) so it causes him to read textbooks in five seconds and always look like he’s dry-heaving.

So Shia LeBeouf’s in college, and college is represented accurately. And he’s dating Megan Fox (probably because she’s hot, because everything she says is SO DUMB) and the whole time they just make a big deal out of Shia LeBeouf not telling Megan Fox that he loves her (which is SO DUMB/WHO CARES/MORE ROBOT FIGHTS).

But then this crazy, slutty psychopath carjacks his car and they drive around, but the car is a TRANSFORMER and it pees on her (I guess) because the car has feelings and morals about cheating. Anyway, it turns out that the crazy, slutty psychopath is actually ALSO A TRANSFORMER (she maintains her boobs), but a mean one and Megan Fox kills her by slamming her into a tree with a car. Then she just drives away like hitting a tree with her car wouldn’t ruin the car!

So then a bunch of dumb things happen and Megan Fox and Shia LeBeouf break up and resolve their fights like 1000000000000 times, and it’s SO BORING.

Even the robot fights are boring! And that’s very interesting considering that the robots are the best actors in the movie.

So Optimus Prime (which, if you couldn’t guess from his name, is the best robot) dies, and Shia LeBeouf reenacts National Treasure to find a key to revive him. Well, that was easy.
Then the robots fight for 35 minutes 46 seconds 3 milliseconds and it sucks for all of that time. I hate it.

Then it’s the end of the movie! Hooray!

I’m not saying that Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is the worst movie that I’ve had to watch so far, but it’s DEFINITELY THE LONGEST and has the most Megan Fox in it so that kind of qualifies pretty high.

OK fellas, I get it. Megan Fox is hot, right? Sure, why not? But she also sucks. She appeals to such broad sexual generalizations that it’s just stupid. But I can tell that Michael Bay looks at Megan Fox and instead of saying, “Hey, this girl’s pretty, but let’s show everyone that she can act!” he says, “Daaaaaaaaammmmmmmn … (I suck so much).”

This movie is so bad that even Shia LeBeouf hates it. After the film was released, Shia told reporters that he wasn’t really impressed with it. He said the heart was gone. Well, Shia, you have to understand that ROBOTS DON’T HAVE HEARTS (hear that, WALL-E?). THEY ONLY KNOW (unrealistically firework-y) EXPLOSIONS.

This franchise was dead from the start, and they don’t make batteries dumb enough to revive it.

I give it five out of five LGH’s.