I’ve never cared much for Thanksgiving. The colonial history, the ridiculous commercials and being forced to give thanks at a specific time all came together to give me a dislike of the holiday. However, even the biggest Thanksgiving hater can’t turn down a good feast.
The hallmark of the day where we give thanks is a self-indulgent feast. While most households have different arrays of dishes, plenty of staple foods show their faces on the last Thursday in November each year.
No more preamble. It’s time to do what the title says. I will be ranking a number of traditional Thanksgiving dishes on a scale of one to 10.
Green Bean Casserole
I’m starting with a polarizing pick. Some claim that Thanksgiving isn’t complete without this hot dish, while others think it ruins the holiday. I stand firmly against green bean casserole in all of its forms.
For whatever it’s worth, I just don’t like green beans. But I like or can tolerate most of the other stuff in it. If it were a plain casserole without the beans, it would genuinely be better. Somehow, green beans clash with any texture and the taste the onions provide.
0/10. Don’t make me think about this abomination any longer.
Cranberries/Cranberry Sauce
I really like the flavor of cranberries. They’re sweet, tart and juicy, just the way I like berries. I don’t think that they’re the best berries of all time, but they get the job done.
Cranberries bring a unique taste to the Thanksgiving table. Some dishes can be made with similar fruits, but cranberries tend to stand on their own. The simplicity of their taste and texture lets them compliment the main courses effectively.
6/10. I don’t like the jellied form of cranberries personally, but I’m not going to hate on someone else for how they eat their berries.
Stuffing
Stuffing is everything a Thanksgiving dish should be. It’s filling enough to stand alongside the main courses, but also sneaky enough to sit with the side dishes if need be.
The taste of the sweetened chewy bread is unparalleled. When I’m eating candy and whatnot after the meal, the stuffing is always at the front of my mind.
10/10. This is the reason I still visit my grandparents every year.
Turkey
Turkey is mid. I don’t understand why turkey is such a big deal for this holiday when it’s so average. While ham is clearly the best choice, roast beef and chicken are also better entrees than the gobbling bird.
Turkey is a little drier and more stringy than chicken. To me, it has always tasted like inferior chicken. I’ll still eat it, but I will never understand how it beat out the competition as the mascot of the holiday.
5/10. I’d rather survive on the leftovers of something else for the weekend following the holiday, but there are worse alternatives.
Mashed Potatoes
The potato is nature’s most malleable vegetable. It can be french fried, totted into taters, boiled, peeled, do the hokey-pokey and turn itself around. Its mashed form is a frequenter of meals year round, with Thanksgiving being no exception.
They taste fine, but man, I hate the texture of mashed potatoes. Their consistency isn’t liquid or solid enough for me and I can barely swallow them.
4/10. In fairness, a french fry or tater tot would likely be closer to a 7/10. The texture really brings this one down for me.
Mac and Cheese
This one’s not only here for the kids. It’s a little less seasonal than most other foods of the holiday, keeping us in touch with food from the rest of the year.
Mac and cheese is just good. I don’t know what else to say. If you like pasta and cheese, you’ll like it, and if you don’t like those things, you won’t. As for me, it has been my comfort food since I was six, and that likely won’t change anytime soon.
8/10. You just can’t have Thanksgiving without the mac and cheese. Well, you can, but I would not show up.
Bread Rolls
Do bread rolls even count? I think so. I love splitting open a hot roll of baked flour and trying to spread butter on it, then folding it back into something that is both a ball and a butter sandwich.
Bread rolls are awesome before the meal and at the beginning, while they’re hot, but they lose their luster as they cool down.
7.5/10. I guess you could say they serve their “roll” well.
Pie
Pie is a hard one to rank, as it comes in many varieties. Whereas the term once only accompanied household classics such as apple and cherry pies, now people will put anything from meat to marshmallows in these circular desserts.
Pie can be somewhat deceptive if someone doesn’t disclose what kind they brought. But if you know what you’re eating, pie is a pretty safe bet. The crust usually absorbs and compliments the main flavor/texture of the pie.
7/10. If it were a pizza pie, though, then it would obviously be a 10/10.
Tolbert can be reached at [email protected]. Invite him to your Thanksgiving dinner.
