This is a satirical article and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the opinions of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.

The annual outbreak of frat flu this spring has become a city-wide epidemic, according to Harper Hypothetical, doctor at the Student Health Services.

“Student Health Services has never been so packed,” Hypothetical said. “We got a call from Walgreens saying they’re running out of cough syrup, and we’re not sure what else to prescribe.”

UW-Eau Claire is considering reinstating the mask mandate, according to Hypothetical. Professors are canceling class for the safety of themselves and their students, and there is even talk of the city closing its borders to prevent the spread of frat flu.

Hypothetical said SHS put in an order for the medical suits worn by doctors during the height of COVID-19 to protect staff so students can continue to be seen.

Doctors at SHS are not able to do much besides prescribe fluids and rest because of the cough syrup shortage, but Hypothetical said students are not happy with this solution.

“We’ve been telling students to drink more and get rest,” Hypothetical said. “But they get really upset when we clarify that we don’t mean drinking beer at Halfmoon Lake.”

Third-year finance student and Delta Phi Phake President James Pretend said people think the epidemic broke out from his party last weekend, but he denies these allegations.

Pretend said the party was only a “little get-together” and he does not understand why the blame is being placed on his fraternity.

“They wanted a party, we gave them a party,” Pretend said. “You want to pack into an Eau Claire basement, you’re going to suffer the consequences.”

The police were called on the fraternity’s party, and they are now threatening the fraternity with a second fine, after the one for housing underage drinkers, according to Pretend.

“I don’t get why the cops are so mad at us because they showed up and got sick,” Pretend said. “No one invited them. Karma is real, man, that’s not on us.”

Delta Phi Phake is concerned for their financials due to the fine they received for their party, as well as the possible second one, Pretend said.

“I said I’d pick up beer for this weekend, but Phakes’ short on money after that fine. I wanted Busch, and now we’re going to have to get Natty Light,” Pretend said.

Second-year biomedical engineering student Katherine Notreal said she is livid about the impact of the city-wide epidemic on her educational experience.

Most of her time is spent in the library studying, and she said it is not fair to her that she is being impacted so harshly by the choices of others.

“I have a huge MATH 312 exam coming up and I can barely read my textbook in between sneezes,” Notreal said. “How am I supposed to learn differential equations and linear algebra over Zoom? This is unacceptable.”

Notreal said she does not understand why people are spending so much time partying when college is meant to improve their futures.

“I personally came to UW-Eau Claire to further my education. I’m not going to let my 4.0 be jeopardized because of some thick-skulled frat boys,” Notreal said. “I doubt they even know how to access their own degree audits.”

The frat flu outbreak should be somewhat short-lived, according to Notreal, but the effects will likely be detrimental.

“I mean, it is only the flu,” Notreal said. “But these two weeks of distraction from our studies could devastate our futures, or at least the futures of those of us who weren’t already doomed to be McDonald’s managers.”

Price can be reached at [email protected].