Dear Mitt, Rick, Newt and Ron,

Congrats, you guys! You’ve made it to the final four. Dynamic and charismatic candidates like Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry and Herman Cain have come and gone, but you’re still standing. Outlasting a murderer’s row like that is something to be proud of, so give yourselves a well-deserved pat on the back.

Now it’s getting down to the nitty-gritty. Which one of you will finally put your fellow Republicans in the rear-view mirror?

Let’s start with you, Mitt. Being the frontrunner can be difficult, especially when people in your own party seem to be asking for anyone but you to step forward. But you need to bottle up your hurt feelings, which you seem to be very adept at doing. Because I think you’re a robot.

Super Tuesday is fast approaching. Those March 6 primaries are going to be vital to your campaign. There are some southern states, including Georgia and Tennessee, voting on those days. Alabama and Mississippi will vote a week later, on March 13.

I don’t think I need to tell you that you’re not the most popular guy in the South. But if you can avoid being swept in these states, you should be in good shape. So stay emotionally distant and aloof, it’s worked for you so far.

As for you, Rick Santorum, how did this happen? In 2006, you lost your Senate seat by more than 18 percent and fell off the national radar. When you declared your candidacy for president, the announcement was met with a collective, ‘Really? That guy? OK.’

Then, two weeks ago, you swept the Colorado, Minnesota and Missouri primaries and have gathered tons of momentum. If you can ride the wave through Super Tuesday, things will get very interesting between yourself and Robo-Mitt.

Maybe it’s the sweater vests. Maybe it’s the ludicrous views on homosexuality and women’s rights. Or maybe it’s just because you’re not Mitt Romney. Whatever it is, you’re here now, for better or (much more likely) worse.

Just try not to go overboard with the radical right-wing statements. Remember, you have to somehow appeal to moderates if you end up winning the
Republican candidacy.

And now we’ve arrived at you, Newt Gingrich. Your campaign has been a blast so far. You’re flying high and seem to have your head in the clouds. For a time, you rocketed to the top of the pile of Romney challengers. But you’ll need another big blast to get back in the race.

Oh yeah, you really want to go to the moon!

All this talk about super PACS and the tax code and the economy was boring. You knew just how to spruce the conversation up: bring up space travel!

Forget Elton John: You’re the real rocket man, Newt. Best of luck to you. Maybe after you drop out of the primary, you can try to become the president of the moon.

Don’t think I’ve forgotten about you, Ron Paul. How could I? Sometimes, like when you say the United States should have diplomatic relations with Cuba, you make an eerie amount of sense. Other times, like when you say uninsured cancer patients should be allowed to die to maintain their freedom, not so much.

I know you’re not going to quit, Ron. You’re staying in this until the bitter end. And then you’ll be back in 2016. See you around.

So gentlemen, I hope my letter has helped show you the way to winning the primary and being defeated by Barack Obama in the November election. Here’s wishing you keep it entertaining for the next few months.