Triangle Pizza

We’re all familiar with the phrase, “don’t be a square.”

Some think of Uma Thurman in Quentin Tarantino’s Pulp Fiction, while others think of the social pressure to be there, or be square.

I think of pizza.

Some people actually like to eat pizza cut into squares. Try as I might, I will never fully understand this phenomenon. Square-cut pizza creates more problems than it solves, especially in its lack of appeal, unequal distribution of toppings and complete disregard for crust-lovers.

Square-cut pizza’s biggest problem is the center slices, which are hugely disappointing. Who can honestly tell me they can’t wait to eat through the outer edges of a pizza to get to the soggy, floppy, crustless abominations at the center? Center pieces are just messy mouthfuls of thick cheese and misery.

Even some die-hard fans of square pizza may not realize they actually prefer pizza cut into triangles. Home Run Inn’s blog post on the pros of square and triangle pizza cuts lists “the ever coveted tiny triangle piece” as a pro of the square-cut pizza.

The next logical step here is to just make every piece triangular.

Plus, a poll conducted on pizza cut preference says 73.8 percent of poll-takers openly prefer triangular slices, while only 15 percent of poll-takers prefer Chicago thin crust square cuts. There’s already a majority preference here.

Some say square-cut pizzas are more accepting to all types of pizza eaters – those who don’t like crust, those who do like crust, and those who just like pizza as is.

But, I’ve found the triangular pizza slice as the more “accepting” of the two. Triangular pizza allows for the entire range of a pizza-eating experience, all in one slice.

Square-cut pizza obviously has fewer crust pieces than center pieces. What happens when all the edge pieces are gone, but those who are grossed out with slug-like center slices are still hungry? Triangle-cut pizza offers slices that appeal to all.

Then again, some souls willingly, even enthusiastically, dive into the fleshy depths of the square-cut pizza’s center. These people are not to be trusted. What’s next, the flesh of my arm?

I’m not going to outright say they’re cannibals, but if you ever find yourself stranded on a desert island with a square-cut pizza eater, I suggest you set up camp on the other side of the island.

— Lauren French, Copy Editor

Square pizza

This really isn’t much of an argument.

I’m not a pizza elitist — much less a misguided one. I’ll eat square pizza, wedge pizza. Heck, even octagon pizza if they make it.

But I’ll say this: the square slice method does offer several advantages.

— The slices are bite-size, and because they’re smaller they cool quicker

— The ancient Italians sliced their pizza in squares, which gives the grid some kind of historic credibility, I guess.

— The tiny corner pieces. Forget diamonds, fame or power. I’ll have more of those.

The crust is my second-favorite part of a pizza, next to sauce. Not everyone agrees, though. Some leave crust lying slobber-covered after the fest.

Pizza crust isn’t just a handlebar. That’s disrespectful. Square-cut pizza allows crust-lovers to scarf the outer edges while cheese-topping-sauce-only folks polish off the middle.

My wedge-favoring foe may claim that square pizza is icky, that the cheese grease and sauce will spill from the sides of an uncrusted middle piece.

If our fingers were meant to escape a pizza meal unsullied we would eat pizza with a fork. Pizza is finger food. You can’t eat finger food without getting food on your fingers.

You stumble into a gambling den. After frittering away your wedding ring, wristwatch and penny loafers, you and the gaggle of criminal opponents get peckish. So you pop a frozen pizza in the oven.

Using the rusty bowie knife strapped to your gambling partner’s wooden leg, you carve the pie into eight wedges. But there’s a problem: Julio, Sven and Tronk don’t have the same size wedge.

Why — you ask yourself as your opponents draw Derringers in anger — didn’t you slice the pizza into squares?

— Nate Beck, News Editor