As a Wisconsinite, I have grown up surrounded by a plethora of cheeses from all makes and backgrounds. I consider myself a cheese enthusiast and am open to trying different varieties.

I have my favorites, as well as some I’d be okay with never trying again. Up until recently, I’ve never been emotionally traumatized through the consumption of dairy products. I love cheese and it has (mostly) loved me back.

Then I found it. The most heinous of creations. A cheese brewed and concocted most likely through arcane and demonic rituals meant to destroy the very fabrics of a human’s existence through even the tiniest of morsels from its brick. It’s called Beer Kaese.

Beer kaese, or beer cheese, is a plague on our precious dairy community here in Wisconsin. It brings shame to the meaning of cheese. Experts may call it “unique” in flavor or “earthy.” This does not begin to describe the experience of eating Beer Kaese.

I recently held a cheese party, probably the most Wisconsin-like thing I’ve ever done in my life. A few friends and I bought 23 different kinds of cheeses and taste-tested them while giving them a rating of 1-10. One of those was Beer Kaese because it sounded fun and adventurous. Oh, how naive we were.

The sampling went well and I got to try all different kinds of cheeses I never would have thought about. We found a blueberry cheese and a walnut fudge cheese that were surprisingly better than most cheeses we purchased.

Most of the smoked cheeses we bought were disappointing, which caught me off guard. Some were very unique, like the Mediterranean cheddar, while others were dull and I’ve already forgotten about.

Near the end of the list we had the ones we were hesitant about, like Limburger, brie and the cheese that changed who I am as a person.

Finally, it came time to cut open the Beer Kaese. One common characteristic of cheese is that they can be quite fragrant. Some may put it mildly and say this particular cheese was “pungent.” These words do not begin to describe Beer Kaese.

The closest thing I can compare the smell to is a combination of wet garbage and rotting bowels. The scent was enough to make you heave and regret all your decisions involving Beer Kaese.

As someone who has muscled through smelly cheeses in the past, there’s often a more pleasant taste than what the smell leads you to believe. This was not the case.

As soon as the chunk of cheese entered my mouth, I knew my childhood was dead. I would never feel the same again. My tongue recoiled in disgust and I had to heave it out of my mouth.

Most of us reflexively spat it out, as you instinctively do with most poisons. A couple pushed through the tears and gagging to accomplish the feat of swallowing this atrocity.

You would think this ends here, where we pack up the cheese and be done with it. Beer Kaese is not that forgiving. The smell lingered in the entire house. There was no where you could go without smelling death. It was in the air, on your fingers and in your mouth.

We all changed that day. Where we were once laughing, light-hearted folks, we quickly became husks of our former selves.

This is not a product meant for cheese parties. This is an abomination to cheese everywhere. This is not something worthy of being associated with Wisconsin. We should not stand for the distribution of this product in grocery stores around the state.

As survivors of this catastrophe, A petition on change.org has been started by us to remove all traces of Beer Kaese from the earth. We must put a stop to its production before it not only ruins the lives of bright, healthy citizens, but contaminates our air and water supply and sends our society into chaos.

Do your duty as a productive member of this cheesy community and help stop this creation from ever harming another innocent life. Stand up. Help make the world a better place.