Who lives in my childhood and inside my dreams?

Spongebob Squarepants.

There is no one as absorbent or yellow or as porous as him that has had such a long lasting impact on my personal development. He is the type of character who transcends generations and time and will eventually become an ethereal yellow sponge laughing in the cosmos.

To make you feel old for a second, Spongebob has been on the air for 17 years. Yes, that’s right. That’s practically two (count ‘em) two decades.

He’s almost old enough to marry in Wisconsin. However, Spongebob had been wed to my heart and soul from the very beginning when he fended off a sea of anchovies with nothing but a hydrodynamic spatula including port and starboard attachments (with turbo drive).

Spongebob has taught us all valuable lessons growing up. He taught us how to raise a kid with a deadbeat father, all the things you shouldn’t do at a stoplight and what the proper procedure is after you accidentally murder someone.

I think we all see a little bit of Spongebob in ourselves. As a kid, we relate to his carefree nature and peppy personality. It’s only as we get older do the messages of the show truly sink in and you realize you’ve been Squidward all along.

For those who never watched it as a kid, their brains are scientifically proven to be underdeveloped and will probably never amount to anything in life since they don’t even know what F.U.N stands for. People who never watched Spongebob are incapable of having F.U.N.

So don’t let anyone tell you Spongebob’s reign will fall. Don’t believe the lies they tell on the internet. Spongebob is the backbone of this country, even though he’s an invertebrate.

Anytime you are wishing for some nautical nonsense and that urge to flop like a fish that one time in the Walmart parking lot, Spongebob will be there for you. For you, your kids and everyone in Bikini Bottom.

— Brian Sheridan, Editor-in-Chief, owner of a Spongebob Snuggie

Did you know when you’re scared your eyelashes can grow a good foot if you scream loud enough?

It’s an exclusive piece of knowledge and logic I gained while I wasted 11 minutes of my life watching Spongebob Squarepants so I could argue against the television show I didn’t spend my childhood watching.

During those 11 minutes I also learned that in the world under the sea a green gunk emerges from cracks in walls to cue suspense before suddenly disappearing without any characters noticing.

In other words, the TV show’s biggest problem is that the viewer isn’t allowed to question or challenge the inconsistencies if they want to avoid frustration and annoyance. Instead Spongebob fans are forced to watch blindly.

Isn’t anyone else confused when the yellow sponge is wailing sponge tears one second and then suddenly squealing with laughter immediately after? It teaches children that emotions are instant, something to just switch on and off without anyone caring enough to stop and ask what.

As annoying as the yellow dude is, he at least deserves friends who acknowledge his emotions instead of just letting him wail while they live their life. I understand there’s no use offering a tissue since he’ll just absorb his tears anyway, but a little verbal consultation can go a long way.

Anyway, my emotional awareness and IQ are better off today because I lived without a television show that forces viewers to accept a world as it is. I hope the same for all children.

— Andee Erickson, Projects Editor