Lines at Einstein Bros. Bagels reached a record high this past week. When the bagel and coffee shop closed at 4 p.m. Friday, students and faculty members still lined the halls of Centennial, extending out the back door and wrapping around the building.

Jillian Java, the student manager at Einstein’s, said the increased traffic was not wholly unexpected. As the semester continues more people inevitably come to Einstein’s for refreshment.

“People are stressed out, so they come to us for a pick-me-up,” Java said. “But everyone who works here is prepared to handle it. This is what we were trained for.”

However, those who frequent Einstein’s do not always appreciate the time they have to wait for their food. Michael Mocha, a third-year business student, said he doesn’t have time in his busy schedule to wait 20-30 minutes in line for a cappuccino.

“I have every day planned to the minute,” Mocha said as he agitatedly checked his online calendar. “The only time I’m able to come to Einstein’s is the 10 minutes I have between classes. I don’t think they understand how much other students and I need a caffeine boost.”

Barbara Brew, a first-year education student, said going to Einstein’s has quickly become a necessary ritual for her to get through the day.

“I don’t think I could go without my asiago bagel with strawberry shmear and caramel macchiato,” Brew said. “Davies is just so far away, and making food at home is a hassle. This is really my only option.”  

Java said she and her team do their best to keep the line moving and maintain a positive attitude during the day, greeting each customer with a smile and patiently answering their questions, no matter how many times they are asked what a block meal includes.

However, Java said she knows that with midterm exams fast approaching, the endurance of their customers will be tested by sleep deprivation and copious amounts of stress.

“The lines usually extend to the front door of Centennial hall, but for midterm week, we fully expect them to wrap around the building,” Java said. “We have taken the precaution of posting additional signage and setting up barriers to keep people in line.”

Because of the disruption the Einstein lines have on students’ and faculty members’ schedules, Dean of Students Joe O’Caff said he is considering allowing it as an authorized absence for students.

Authorized absences are now only granted for extenuating circumstances like field trips and extracurricular activities. However, O’Caff said he believes waiting in line for coffee could constitute as an emergency that prevents students from attending class.

“We must make certain provisions for our students which allow them to excel,” O’Caff said as he took a sip from his large vanilla hazelnut latte. “What will they learn if they’re falling asleep in class? However, students should not abuse this power and still try to make it to their classes on time.”

Java said although she appreciates the efforts of the dean to alleviate pressure on her team, she believes it makes more sense to decrease the lines rather than allowing them to run amok.

A decision on whether waiting in line for coffee will constitute as an excused absence is expected to be made late next week.

This is a satirical article and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the opinions of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.