This is a satirical article and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the opinions of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.

It all began with harmless Facebook posts.

“Hey guys, I’m collecting survey info for a class, it’ll only take five minutes, it’s the last one I promise!” read post after post on his wall, Notur Purson said. Naively, he turned to his email for a reprieve.

“Course evals!” He said. “I should’ve known the little devils would pop up in my inbox eventually, but it was a blow nonetheless.”

This, he said, was when he turned to neighbors in Towers North, assuming  there must be others who go through the same “scarring” experience. They related and went with him to the hall director, who promptly said the university monitors to ensure there isn’t an overload for students.

The Spectator found this to be fishy. Thus, a survey was conducted to box students into either “fans” of the survey or “haters.” Remarkably, 90 percent of the small crowd of students expressed distaste for Qualtrics and surveys in general. The other 10 percent were either psychology, sociology, communication sciences or marketing students.

“Shocking! I did not, under any circumstances, see this coming,” one Spectator staffer said upon viewing the results.

Students campus-wide sought a solution. His name was Derrick Null. “I have one life motto and it is this: Your dumb surveys aren’t worth it,” he said. “I will complete a survey only when it is a quality use of my time.”

Null tossed on a pair of sunglasses and walked out of the interview, but his words left a tangible impact. A sense of freedom and non-annoyance settled over the campus with the knowledge that these surveys, which reportedly suck the life out of 87 percent of users, can be discreetly optional. (AKA ignore the crap out of them, Eau Claire).

For students who were secretly attached to the surveys, but didn’t want to appear uncool, they turned to Buzzfeed quizzes.

“My god!” Ashley Givacrap said. “Prior to this week, I had no clue that because I’m a Pisces I’m also a Slytherin, Princess Aurora, Obi Wan Kenobi and Malia Obama. I’ve been feeling ever so empowered since.”

What do you think about surveys? Follow the link here to provide input.