Saying there is a glitch in the matrix would be an understatement.

The unwelcome sight of snow on the first day of May on the UW-Eau Claire campus has created a paradox straight out of a B-rate science film.

It seems as though almost every Blugold’s internal clock has been instantaneously set back about two and a half months. A veil of ignorance has been cast over the campus, as a number of students have said they believe it is once again mid-February.

Tyler Tolan, a junior engineering student, said he has noticed the sour, stressed-out faces of sleep-deprived, rapidly aging, young (for now) adults have been brightened up, students assume they have more than 12 hours to finish four final projects, contact their seemingly ghostlike group project members and all passive aggressive Facebook messages to loud roommates have been converted into poop emoji’s.

On the negative side, grades, attendance and the number of students wearing borderline inappropriate clothes has plummeted.

Students continue to miss class, act as if Valentine’s Day was last week and continue wearing incredibly fashionable (but not very comfortable or ergonomic) winter jackets.

Jack Maureen-Larson, a tenured writing for fun professor, said students have lost all urgency to get their work done.

“It seems as though every one of my students has instantly stopped checking D2L every half hour,” Maureen-Larson said. “I post a new assignment and students don’t see it because they think it isn’t due for another few months. It is pure, unadulterated madness.”

Junior animal education student, Ima Animallover, said he doesn’t know why the university faculty and administration are freaking out so much.

“It is only February, so we are all still getting acclimated to being back on campus,” Animallover said. “I’m using up my five free skips days in all of my classes, and it won’t start warming up again for a few months, so I’ll wait until I can walk outside without the risk of slipping and separating the vertebrae in my neck before I go to class regularly.”

However, the effect of seeing snow had a different effect on another perplexed student.

Dwayne “The Rock Head” Johnson, a sophomore left tricep sculpting student, said he never noticed it ever stopped snowing in the first place.

“To be honest, I’ve been camping out McPhee ever since I came to this University,” Johnson said. “I always thought it snowed 12 months out of the year here, sort of like Alaska except with more cheese and an exponentially declining dairy market. And if the snows ever stop, my left tricep will look amazing and all of the classy ladies at The Pickle will go bananas.”

Experts around the United States have come together to try to estimate when this paradox will be reversed and order can be restored to the Eau Claire campus.

Due to Wisconsin’s inconsistent weather, professors at the University of Fictional Reports said it will take at least until the middle of July before students fully have their internal clocks wound back up to time.

Suzanne Olson, executive assistant to the chancellor (because, let’s face it, Chancellor Jim is too busy to comment on anything else) said she hopes students’ lives are restored as soon as possible.

“I am willing to do anything to assist these students of this campus to assure them that these flurries will dry up very soon,” Olson said. “All we have to do is assist each other, because assisting is the key factor in fixing any situation. Scheduling conflicts can be assisted through collaboration. Fires can be assisted through water. And students can be assisted by the assistant to the chancellor assisting them by telling them to assist themselves by dropping the act and getting themselves back to class.”

The snows have fallen again, and so has the veil of ignorance over the Blugold student body.

This is a satirical article and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the opinions of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire

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