This is a satirical article and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the opinions of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.

Heartbreak hit UW-Stout first-year Emily Butler, an education student, full-force this past Sunday when her beloved high school “sweetheart,” Cole Biggs, whom she dated for four years, brutally dumped her via text message.

Biggs, an undeclared first-year at UW-Eau Claire, said the distance had already begun taking its toll on their relationship, despite the fact dorm move-in for first-year Eau Claire students had occurred just a day before the incident took place.

“I loved Emily, you know, but being away from her just would’ve been so hard,” Biggs said. “I can’t handle the added stress of a long-distance relationship while also following a busy freshman schedule, you know?”

Biggs didn’t have much else to say regarding the subject. However, when confronted about his breakup strategy of a text message, he said he feels he went about the situation in a productive and “mature” way.

“I added some frowny-face-with-a-teardrop emojis to keep the tone light and show her that I care, and the text was, like, decently long,” Biggs said.

Two days before Biggs went off to college, Butler said she and Biggs, both Eau Claire natives, had a “romantic” dinner date at Quick Wok on Water Street. To her, “nothing seemed out of the ordinary.”

After filling up on Chinese, which Biggs insisted be taken to-go, the pair hung out at Biggs’ family home. While there, Butler scrolled through social media while Biggs played Madden for hours. Tears filled her eyes as she remembered their last day together.

“It was a total shock,” Butler said of the breakup. “Stout’s campus is only, like, a thirty minute drive from Eau Claire. He has a car, so I guess I just really didn’t think being apart would be that big of an issue.”

While she feels “shaken” regarding the whole situation, Butler is going to use the breakup as a reason to focus completely on her studies. Overall, she’s optimistic about the future.

“I’m still starting a new chapter in my life,” Butler said. “Even though I didn’t ask for it to play out this way, it may be for the best. It’s tough to start out my college journey by losing the love of my life, but I’m still looking forward to what the future has in store for me.”

Biggs seems more unsure of what the future holds, but intends to not let the incident keep him from having as much fun with his freshman year as possible.

“It’s been weird, you know, but I think I’ll get through it,” Biggs said, “I’m just trying to have fun, let the good times roll, make some memories. Freshman year should be a good time.”