This is a satirical article and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the opinions of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.

Hibbard Hall, one of UW-Eau Claire’s largest lecture halls, is now called “Anonymous Donor Hall” thanks to a large donation made by an anonymous donor whose support for the university exceeds $60.

A ceremony at 6:34 a.m. this Sunday on Garfield Avenue commemorated the renaming of the building. The donor and Chancellor James C. Schmidt spoke to the 11 staff members and students in attendance, who sipped on orange juice provided by Sodexo.

“I made my fondest memories at UW-Eau Claire in (formerly) Hibbard Hall,” said the donor, who said they wish to remain anonymous. “I want to honor my memories, so I’m giving my fortune to the hall.”

The donor struggled to narrow down their favorite memories of the hall, some of which included the “minimalistic and modern” architecture and the little amount of “disturbing and distracting natural lighting” compared to the newer halls on campus.

“I always loved how (formerly) Hibbard was warm enough to keep me a little sweaty at all times,” the donor said. “I also loved the bathrooms. Best place on campus to unwind.”

The donor’s gift of more than $60 will be used to replace one aging toilet seat in the first-floor women’s restroom, according to the 2010-2030 Great and Honorable Campus Plan.

The toilet seat should be fully replaced by fall 2019.

Schmidt said he has never set foot in Anonymous Donor Hall, much less the women’s first-floor restroom, but he trusts the Great and Honorable Campus Plan will steer the money in the right direction.

“Thanks,” Schmidt said between the beeping of a forklift at work in the Garfield Avenue construction zone.

After the ceremony, attendees strolled under the shadow of Anonymous Donor Hall.

Eau Claire fifth-year actuarial student Martha Yaas said she is ready for the change.

“In my five years here, this building was always ‘Hibbard’ … its name really needed to be updated,” Yaas said.
Marilee Stellen, a sophomore biology student, expressed her frustration.

“I’m just upset that they didn’t even ask the students what they thought about the new name before it got changed,” Stellen said. “I think that ‘Hibbard Hall’ has a very charming ring to it; it should have stayed Hibbard.”

Stellen says she and a few friends are planning to organize a sit-in on the staircases in Anonymous Donor Hall “until its name gets changed back to Hibbard Hall.”

Despite Stellen’s frustration however, Larry McGeeth, a junior marketing student, isn’t as concerned with the renaming of the hall.

“Whatever. I mean, I still have to go to class,” McGeeth said. “And I really hope that sit-in doesn’t happen. The stairs are crowded enough.”

Anonymous Donor Hall’s name will be updated on the maps around the university’s campus in fall 2018, according to the Great and Honorable Campus Plan.

“This is one of the best things I’ve done in life,” said the donor. “I’m so happy to be making my mark on the university and history. I know I’ll be remembered for a long time at UW-Eau Claire.”