This is a satirical article and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the opinions of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.

UW-Eau Claire has experienced multiple student deaths since the semester began, according to The Tator, the university’s most reliable news source. One death was avoided, though, after another close call this Thursday at the McIntyre Library on campus.

Trevor Young, a senior biology student, nearly drowned after his assignments somehow overpowered his body, covering him entirely.

Luckily, Kyle Phillips, a junior kinesiology student, was there to save the day. Phillips was on his way to a fifth-floor cubicle when he stumbled upon a “real shocker.” A fellow student appeared to be fighting for his life, Phillips said.

Young was writhing on the floor and struggling, according to Phillips. He was trapped underneath piles of powerpoints, worksheets, notebooks, flashcards and textbooks. His open laptop sat beside him, with 65 tabs open.

“At first I thought he was just messing around. I started filming the dude on my Snapchat,” Phillips said. “But then I realized he was actually, like, drowning. It was crazy, I’d never seen anything like it. I mean, I was terrified for the guy; I couldn’t just keep walking while he suffered.”

According to Young, Thursday night began as any other weeknight would. He took the elevator up to the fifth floor, Venti iced coffee in hand, prepared to conquer his wave of assigned schoolwork. His intention was to get ahead before the weekend started, Young said.

“It’s that time in the semester, you know, there’s a lot going on and people are kind of hitting a metaphorical wall.” Young said.

Knowing how much he had to do, Young figured he was going to be at the library until close. This wasn’t a rare occurrence, Young said, and with midterms coming up, he had more on his plate than usual.

Young found a comfortable corner near a window and laid his assignments in piles on the floor around him. This was Young’s usual setup, he said.

“It all happened so fast. I was shuffling through D2L articles and powerpoints, reading chapters from my textbooks, studying some flashcards, filling out review packets,” Young said. “There was just so much, and it was everywhere. Before I knew it, I was covered from head to toe. The stuff took me under; I couldn’t breathe and I couldn’t fight back.”

Phillips scrambled to uncover Young, but this proved impossible. He eventually decided to use his backpack as a sort of lifesaving device. According to Phillips, he shouted for Young to grab hold of the backpack strap. Once Young took hold, Phillips yanked him out from underneath the swelling mass of schoolwork.

If it weren’t for Phillips, it’s unclear what the outcome could have been, Young said.

Joseph Abhold, the dean of students, said he is very unsettled by the incident, but thankful for the outcome. He called Phillips a “hero” for doing what he did.

“It’s been a tough semester for the university. I’m glad this unfortunate, and honestly quite strange situation had a happy ending for the victim,” Abhold said.  

Phillips, who is now a star on Instagram and around campus because of his “heroic” act, said his actions were just second nature. He sees the incident as a reflection of a deeper issue.

“Growing up, I was taught to help those who need it,” Phillips said. “It’s really no biggie, I’m just glad the guy’s okay. We students put way too much pressure on ourselves, you know, we spread ourselves too thin. I just hope that this will make students realize that their safety and well-being should come first.”

Young said he’s thankful for Phillips and, in the end, for the incident, he said.

“In a way it was a wake-up call for me,” Young said. “I need to approach my studies in a different way. Maybe next time I’ll sit at a table instead of the floor or something.”

Young said he’ll be back to the library by Monday.