This is a satirical article and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the opinions of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.

Students at UW-Eau Claire were shocked to learn their beloved Chancellor Jim isn’t actually running the university.

A four-month long investigation revealed that the chancellor is head of what is known as a puppet government — a fake official put in place to run a country or organization by another outside group.

“I was distraught when I heard the news,” said Miles Hiller, a second-year biology student. “If he’s not the one running Eau Claire, then who is?”

Several other students shared the same opinion as Hiller, including Wanda Stern, a first-year neuroscience student.

“I feel lied to,” Stern said. “I thought this kind of thing only happened in bad action movies.”

A closer look at the inner workings of the university revealed the chancellor is being controlled by none other than Blugold Marching Band director Dr. Randy Dickerson, with help from the senior members of the marching band.

“I was always curious about why the chancellor seemed so obsessed with the marching band,” said Jordan Heath, an english education student and junior trumpet player in the band. “He always comes to every performance and sits right in the front row. I just thought he really liked the music.”

Heath also recalled some information Dr. Dickerson let slip back in September.

“You remember that UW-Eau Claire sign on the corner of the Haas field?” Heath said. “At the beginning of the fall semester, Dickerson told us that he had it removed to get more space for the band.”

Heath said that all Dr. Dickerson had to do was ask and the university quickly removed the large sign that had stood for years previously.

“Learning that Dickerson is actually the one behind everything at the university makes so much more sense to me,” Heath said. “They’ve always done whatever he asked them to and it seemed strange before I found out.”

Dr. Dickerson himself was unavailable for comment, but a senior drumline member, who wishes to remain unnamed, spoke on the band director’s behalf.

“We operate a little like the Wizard of Oz,” the drumline member said. “Chancellor Jim is what everybody sees, but we’re the ones behind the curtain.”

When asked if Dr. Dickerson had a hand in the hiring of the chancellor, the drumline member smiled.

“If it wasn’t for Dickerson, our current chancellor would never have had a chance getting the job,” they said. “We wanted someone who would listen and take directions well, but was still lovable enough to appeal to the student body.”

The drumline member added that they have definitely helped run the university, along with a select group of seniors from various instrument sections in the marching band.

“We have to be careful about the decisions we make,” they said. “If we have the chancellor do something that seems out of character, the whole charade could crumble.”

Now that the truth has come out, the drumline member said Dr. Dickerson will make a public statement addressing the new information.

“I don’t know what his response will be,” the drumline member said. “Dickerson is a very unpredictable and mysterious man, but always does what’s best for the marching band.”