This is a satirical article and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the opinions of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.

Construction commenced on UW-Eau Claire’s Marilyn Karlgaard Hall last fall due to large quantities of hair that had gathered inside the fourth-floor girls’ showers.

All the hair that fell from showering girls from each of the dorms went through the Marilyn Karlgaard Hall drain system and ended up congregating inside the fourth-floor bathroom.

The large masses of hair didn’t go unnoticed by the janitors of Marilyn Karlgaard Hall. All four janitors who were working in the building quit within the span of three days, Janet Rogan, a custodian, said.

“It was an insane amount of hair,” Rogan said. “I came into work that day and quit the minute I saw the hair coating the walls and piling on the floor.”

The housing department discussed many options but came to the conclusion that it would be best for the rest of the university if they have Marilyn Karlgaard Hall rebuilt entirely, said Quincy Chapman, head of the housing department. This was their last-resort plan, but due to the amount of hair in the showers it was the only option, he said.

“The female students of UW-Eau Claire must be conscious of the amount of hair piling up in the drains and be proactive in picking it up,” Chapman said. “Janitorial staff is only in the bathrooms every so often and they are unable to keep up with the hair problem. Students should be do something before this issue becomes exponentially worse and the hair takes over the entire campus.”

The hair epidemic is hitting other residence halls as well. Chapman said as the semester progresses, so does the stress, which causes more hair to fall out, so this is the time to look out for stray hairs. If the showers continue to deteriorate, the university may have to close for a semester to rebuild all of the on-campus housing.

Ashley Newman, a Karlgaard resident and junior at UW-Eau Claire, said the bathroom and overall living conditions were so terrible that she had to move to Sutherland Hall along with many other girls on her floor.

“We never noticed how bad the hair problem was getting,” Newman said. “I know I always cleaned the drains out, but I know a lot of girls feel that it’s too gross of a task, which is understandable.”

Marilyn Karlgaard Hall is scheduled to be finished sometime in the next year, and when that building is finished construction will take place on David Karlgaard Hall in order to completely de-hair Eau Claire for good.