This is a satirical article and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the opinions of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.

This past Wednesday, the streets were packed in downtown Eau Claire as students marched on account of their teachers’ pay. Dressed warmly in the still-winter temperatures, they held up signs with witty slogans protesting that teachers are being paid too much.

“It’s ridiculous that our staff gets paid the same as minimum wage workers at retail stores or fast food restaurants. It’s too much for the jobs they do. Teaching children really isn’t that hard,” the principle of Prestigious High School in Eau Claire, John White said. “It doesn’t even make a huge difference cutting their pay. The money we cut will go to a better cause, so we might as well cut it where we can. Steak for the administration and state officials won’t buy itself.”

The Wisconsin state government recently proposed a referendum that would cut funding to public schools. Specifically, it would target teachers’ salaries. The referendum, which passed on Tuesday night, would cut teachers’ pay completely after January 1 of next year.

“It makes sense that we would cut their salaries. If I’m being honest, we need that money to pay the administrators. They haven’t had raises in decades,” Wisconsin senator Dick Brady said. “Most teachers are willing to make a sacrifice anyways. Whatever is better for the kids is better for everyone, right?”

One teenager at the march, first-year high school student Susie Stuckup, said her teachers weren’t educated enough to be paid what they are.

“I work harder at my job than they do at theirs,” Stuckup said. “One of my teachers said she stays up until one in the morning. If she can waste her time doing whatever it is that she does on her computer and with her files or whatever, then she can waste her time while not wasting taxpayer dollars.”

Stuckup said that she was tired of having to learn “stupid information” that doesn’t relate to the real world.

“Who cares about learning about circuits or addition and subtraction or biology?” she said. “There aren’t even real applications for them. Why are we paying people for unhelpful things? The real world doesn’t work like that.”

Sunshine’s high school, Prestigious High School, has recently gone viral for its shredded textbooks, worn desks, leaky roof and mold growing in the corner of classrooms. Its situation is not unlike the schools in Oklahoma or South Florida.

The school district’s administrative staff refused to comment on the situation.

Across the board, teachers are excited to give up their livelihood for the cause of education.

“I’m always willing to do everything for those kiddos. First they told us to dress up in army gear and carry rifles around school to protect the kids from school shootings,” Robert Niceguy, a government teacher at Prestigious High School, said. “Now it just means not getting paid. That’s fine. If it’s what teachers are supposed to do, then that’s what they do.”

Niceguy, who is known for being the Social Studies teacher who lives in a cardboard box near the high school, said that teachers going into the profession should be happy to volunteer for the greater good.

“Teachers should feel proud to give their service this way. Money isn’t everything, you know. You can be successful without it. Teachers should feel satisfied in their work, even without the monetary aspect.”