This is a satirical article and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the opinions of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.

Last week, UW-Eau Claire was named the most polite party college in the country following a unanimous nationwide vote.

Undeclared senior Buddy Wieser was anything but surprised when he heard of the accolade. Since his first year as a Blugold, Wieser said he has been to at least seven parties.

“Every single party that I’ve been to has a sign on the door saying ‘Respect my elderly neighbors’ existence or expect resistance,’” Wieser said.

He recently received a citation for reading a magazine with a Malibu Rum ad on the back cover.

“If I get to a party and I can tell people aren’t going to be using their inside voices, that’s when I leave,” Wieser said.

A crucial component of UW-Eau Claire’s success as a school with an immaculate public perception is what is known colloquially as “The Drunk Bus.” Students onboard engage in intellectual conversation and friendly banter while being transported to different non-profit volunteer centers around the city.

“I’d even go so far to say that The Drunk Bus has contributed to Eau Claire’s blossoming culture as much if not more than Bon Iver,” said Eau Claire government leader Polly Tishen, an Eau Claire alum who spent much of her college career studying classic literature in bars on Water Street.

Perhaps the greatest contributor to Eau Claire’s reputation of peaceful orderliness is The Pickle, a local tavern that dedicates itself to maintaining downtown Eau Claire’s dignified history.

“Whenever I’m working, I always turn on some Josh Groban on volume level four out of 10,” bartender Jack Daniel said. “If the people in the bar get too loud to hear Josh, then they know that they need to pipe down.”

The civility of the student body goes way beyond just quiet volumes. Blugolds are known to congregate in small groups on Friday and Saturday nights to pick up garbage throughout the community and sort recycling into paper, glass and plastic.

“Disorderly behavior and the underage consumption of alcohol may be appealing to some people, but for me there’s no greater thrill than salvaging a glass bottle from the compost heap,” Wieser said.

While on campus, being surrounded by friends may cause many to consider regressing into primitive college student behavior. Blugold Dining Coordinator Sue Dexo said that students often resist temptation by refining their manners.

“The W.R. Davies Student Center has a strict ‘no elbows on the table’ rule, and I’ve seen friends shun friends because someone chewed with their mouth open,” Dexo said. “Everyone holds the door open for others regardless of how far back the other person is. Having to do that embarrassing little run is a universally acknowledged form of gratitude.”

Although faculty and students alike are thrilled by the recognition, Chancellor James C. Schmidt maintains that nobody should let this go to their head.

“The moment you become arrogant, the risk of being perceived as offensive increases tenfold,” Schmidt said. “In response to this honor, we must remain humble, hardworking and, above all, well-mannered.”