This article is satirical and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the opinions of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.

It’s not uncommon for UW-Eau Claire students to notice their peers sleeping in random places throughout campus.

Because of this, it was less than surprising for most when UW-Eau Claire received an award for Sleepiest Student Body this weekend.

Billy Cruze, a fifth-year biology student, said he was not surprised by the news. He said he’s fallen asleep in every class since his first year.

“All of my professors have bored me to the point of exhaustion,” Cruze said. “It’s amazing that I haven’t failed any of my classes yet.”

Just after the interview, it was discovered that one of Cruze’s biology professors, Maria Life, was so upset with him for sleeping in his class that she failed him.

According to the awards committee, one of the many reasons UW-Eau Claire was awarded “Sleepiest Student Body” was because many students like to go to the fourth and fifth floor of McIntyre Library and fall asleep.

“I’m usually tired by 3 p.m., so I definitely go to the library and procrastinate by taking a nap on fifth floor,” John Heff, a third-year psychology student said. “I head over to the napping lounge when it’s open.”

While Heff claims that the reason he’s always tired by mid-afternoon is because he stays up late watching Netflix, “just like all of my buddies.” He explained that the naps during the day have actually helped him focus more in class. Many students alongside Heff have noticed improvements in their focus by taking a nap during the day.

“Staying up late is worth it,” Heff said. “I get both in one — my focus and my ‘me time.’”

However, there are some students who are not enthusiastic about the award. Reagan Campbell, a fourth-year philosophy student and avid 10-hour sleeper, emphasized that students shouldn’t have to take a nap during the day — and out on campus — if they get enough sleep during the night.

“Honestly, how hard is it to pay attention in class and go to bed early?” Campbell said.

While Campbell got real for a moment, the board of UW-Eau Claire faculty kept strong in their decision that UW-Eau Claire students are tired — stating that they are primarily sleepy from the power of [AND].

Joe Abhold, the dean of students, explained the overwhelming decision to give this award to the students.

“The power of [AND] is so strong in the students,” Abhold said. “We know it must be wearing them out.”

With the overall great response the student body has given towards this award, Chancellor James C. Schmidt has decided to host a performance of the Blugold Marching Band in the Campus Mall this week. He said they will perform all of their greatest hits and have a new routine just for the occasion.

“The students will be so excited,” Schmidt said. “They will have the power of [AND] running so strongly through their veins, they will be asleep the whole next day!”

Janssen can be reached at [email protected].