(Disclaimer: These horoscopes are written for comedic purposes and are not meant to be taken seriously. Any similarities to real life are purely coincidental).

Welcome, fellow UW-Eau Claire students, to mind-bending realm of wonder and mystery — a place where you will see your future unfold before your very eyes.

How do I know? Because I’ve seen it.

(But seriously though, I’m winging it.)

Aquarius

Happy birthday to you, Aquarius. With Jupiter on the fritz and Venus acting all wonky, it looks like your love life is on the verge of really heating up. You and your significant other should avoid any open flame, at all costs. Also, the stars would like to advise that you keep a bucket of ice water close at hand for the next few weeks. Just in case.

Be prepared for some major academic challenges to come in the next month. In the astral plane, these challenges are what’s known as “college classes,” and all signs will be afflicted. To best avoid these challenges, disregard the advice provided in the first section of your horoscope.

All of your birthday wishes will come true, Aquarius, if you honor your water sign by spending your entire birthday in a bathtub; ideally a full one. A hot tub would also suffice, but the stars advise against this, as it is a health risk.

Aries

The stars are warning me of great danger in your near future. Avoid spicy foods and the color purple. To best avoid this danger, only eat bland things and wear the color yellow.

Taurus

Beware, Taurus. Your mother is mad at you. Call her. Send her flowers, maybe. But do not — under any circumstances — remind her of that one thing you did that one time. She’s still upset about it.

Gemini

You have no future.

Cancer

Good news, Cancer! The person immediately to your left is the love of your life. You know what that means: It’s time to send awkward snapchats back and forth until one of you either decides to make the first move, or ghost the other. You be the first to decide.

Leo

Congratulations, Leo! Keep your eyes out for that promotion at work you’ve been shooting for. Good things come to those who wait. Or to those who least deserve it. It really depends on your life perspective.

Virgo

You have a lot of money coming your way, Virgo. It’s that $20 you forgot was in your pocket. Unfortunately, it was basically destroyed when you put it through the washer.

Libra

Silly Libra! You forgot to lock your front door today before class. And your stove is on. And your shower. And all of the lights in your house. Essentially, you’re a mess.

Scorpio

Life’s about to get serious for you, Scorpio. Just like your dad always said: It’s time to stop screwing around at college. Get a job within the next week, or you will be forever doomed to work as a press secretary for President Donald Trump.

Sagittarius

There’s good news and bad news for you, Sagittarius. The good news: You’re in great health and your grades have never been better. The bad news: You’re about to be evicted.

Pisces

The stars sense a furry new friend in your life. It’s mold. Avoid that old cheese that’s been sitting in your fridge since October.

Capricorn

Thing are about to start looking up for you, Capricorn. Your stars are aligning. The universe is on your side. Your world is about to get a little bit brighter. The sun will shine only for you. You’re going to find that thing you lost last week, and it will be exactly where you least expected it.

That’s all, folks! More spooky predictions are on their way next week. Trust me. I have a sense about these things.

Fuerstenberg can be reached at [email protected].