(Disclaimer: These horoscopes are written for comedic purposes and are not meant to be taken seriously. Any similarities to real life are purely coincidental).

Despite what the disclaimer above might say, I like to think I usually know what I’m talking about — especially when it comes to matters of the supernatural variety.

Can I see the future? Maybe. Am I just really overly tired and delusional? Probably. Regardless, I have returned with more predictions for all of the astrological signs.

Buckle up, because things are about to get real.

Aquarius

Happy Valentine’s Day and birthday, Aquarius. Love truly is in the air for you this year. So is snow, in case you haven’t noticed. The stars are warning me that you will be at great risk if you go outside for more than 36 seconds. I recommend sprinting between campus buildings to avoid any danger. Or just don’t leave your house, though that seems like a bad idea. You need Vitamin D and an education. It’s a personal choice, I guess.

Aside from the impending danger you may or may not be in, I sense a wave of good luck rolling your way. You are about to feel more stress-free than you have throughout all of your college career. Your classes will feel easier, and your workload will feel lighter — not because either of those things are actually true, but because you’ve simply stopped trying. You’ll soon discover that life is so much easier when you don’t do anything productive.

Keep an eye out for any love connections this Valentine’s Day. Your soulmate will be in the last place you expect. I recommend searching beneath your bed and inside all of the cupboards of your house.

Aries

Good news, Aries. That special person you’ve been crushing on likes you back. Win over their heart on Valentine’s Day by doing something special and unexpected. Come to class in a diaper and angel wings, give them a live bear, cover their car in melted chocolate (or something that looks like melted chocolate) — just make sure it’s not one of the same old Valentine clichés we’ve all come to expect.

Taurus

That classic Taurus temperament will get the best of you this week. With all that Mars retrogradational velocity or whatever, you will make the grave mistake of drop-kicking the next mailman you see. And he will never forgive you.

Gemini

Nope. Still nothing.

Cancer

I have grave news for you, Cancer. The stars are warning me that your dog is mad at you. I don’t know what you’ve done, but there are some things that simply can’t be taken back or forgotten.

Leo

Leo, the mighty lion. True to your cunning and solitary nature, you will spend this Valentine’s Day alone. You will not be sad or lonely though; you will be preparing …

Virgo

Your sassy and lively nature will come in handy this week, Virgo. You will attract the attention of a certain special someone. His name is James C. Schmidt, and he will bless your day with a warm smile and some free Blugold merchandise.

Libra

Your indecisiveness will get the best of you this week, Libra. You will spend so much time in the morning debating between going to class and going back to sleep that you will accidentally lose track of time and miss class. Unfortunately, you will no longer be tired either.

Scorpio

It’s time to let loose and have some fun, Scorpio. You’ve been working too hard. Buy that expensive thing you wanted. Go to that party. Eat that ice cream. But do not, under any circumstances, speak at all for the next week. If you do, terrible things will happen.

Sagittarius

Your secret admirer is about to reveal his or herself. But he or she needs a little more encouragement. For the next week, wear bright colors only and make loud screeches throughout the day in order to indicate that you are in search of a mate.

Pisces

Your birthday is coming up soon, Pisces. Prepare to celebrate, for the stars see only bright things ahead for you in your future. Your flashlight-themed birthday party will be a hit amongst the three people who decide to attend.

Capricorn

Don’t worry, Capricorn. Things aren’t always as bad as you originally expect them to be. Your car may be stuck in the snow in an intersection on Clairemont Ave. now, but it’ll melt eventually.

I really think I’m getting good at this, readers. Don’t be afraid to go on The Spectator website and tell me about all of the predictions I’ve gotten right; because my spidey senses are telling me that I am, in fact, accurately sensing the future. I need your validation. (Please.)

Fuerstenberg can be reached at [email protected].