This article is satire and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the views of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.

UW-Eau Claire released a new plan to redevelop the infamous hill and stairs leading from lower campus to upper campus.

Two skiing hills will be incorporated into the campus landscape.

Due to a number of fatal accidents caused by the icy steps and unsalted sidewalks, the university had no choice but to construct a new route for students to travel from lower to upper campus and vice versa.

“We believe that Project UWESki is the most affordable way for the university to provide an alternative mode of transport between lower and upper campus,” said project manager Black Diamond.

The university’s Recreation and Sport Operations will be renting skis, snowboards and tubes to all students living on campus. Before class students will be able to pick up their rental in the Hilltop Center then easily make their way down to lower campus on either hill. Rentals can be acquired by simply swiping a Blugold ID at checkout, and the cost of a twelve-hour rental is a single block meal.

Students have the option of taking a drag lift or chair lift back to upper campus. A single drag lift will increase that individual student’s tuition by one percent; after one hundred rides on the drag lift students get to ride for free. Taking the chair lift will increase the cost of on-campus housing for all students by .04 percent.

Diamond is excited to be seeing the project details come together, but he’s very confused by the recent backlash he’s received after the project was announced to the public.

“I really don’t understand what people have to complain about.” Diamond said. “Having two ski hills right on campus is sure to attract prospective students to UW-Eau Claire.”

Connor Sense, a third-year psychology student, strongly disagrees with Black Diamond and finds the entire project very distasteful.

“I do not understand the logic of creating ski hills on campus,” Sense said. “I mean clearly a cheaper option would be to simply keep up with the shoveling and salting on the stairs and hill. Not everyone even knows how to ski or snowboard.”

Sense made many more statements regarding Project UWESki, but due to his use of vulgar language they shall not be included in this article.

A more extensive preview of Connor Sense’s response to Project UWESki and its creators can be found on his blog, www.UWESkiSucks.com/overthrow-BlackDiamond. 

“This project isn’t fixing a problem, it’s just creating an even bigger one. And don’t even get me started on the ridiculous student costs it will have!” Sense said.

Despite negative feedback from Sense, Diamond has a strong supporter: Grace Gainly, a fifth-year student at UW-Eau Claire.

“I myself took a fall down the slippery steps that left me paralyzed.” Gainly said. “Seeing the university and people like Black Diamond take initiative to eliminated such a dangerous area on campus gives me hope. I’m pleased to know that future students won’t have to face the same challenges I did.”

Construction of Project UWESki is set to begin in Sept. 2019.

“We don’t want to deprive the students of a single step in the construction process,” Diamond said.

Walleser can be reached at [email protected].