(Disclaimer: These horoscopes are written for comedic purposes and are not meant to be taken seriously. Any similarities to real life are purely coincidental).

Greetings, Blugolds. Since I’m not entirely sure what I want to say here, I thought you’d all like to enjoy an update on my life.

I recently bought a fish. His name is Chad (because he looks like a frat guy on spring break in Mexico).

I recently went into two exams without studying for them, because frankly, I completely forgot about them.

At work, I had one kid hiss at me and another accidentally punch me in the throat.

When my boyfriend and I went to Walmart this weekend, I successfully resisted the urge to buy as many cookie boxes as possible from some Girl Scouts who were set up outside the front doors.

And finally, I fell down some stairs while doing my laundry at my apartment. Landed right on my back. It feels like I’ve pulled half of the muscles in my body.

All in all, my life actually isn’t at its worst. At least I haven’t gotten majorly sick yet this winter. Also, the temperature is currently above freezing, so that’s a plus.

I suppose it’s now time for me to get to the part you actually came here to read: the horoscopes.

 

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)

Your friends are prepared to help you celebrate a very special birthday this week, Pisces. Go out. Let loose. Indulge yourself. But remember, nothing lasts forever and your mortality is fleeting. Every day you age is just another day closer to death.

On the bright side, you’re about to come into a significant amount of money. Spend it wisely, because you’re also about to lose a significant amount of money on a bet gone horribly wrong.

The stars would like to advise you against any rash decision making, because Lady Luck is not on your side this week. Uranus is experiencing a partial lunar eclipse, and you know what that means: The Curse of the Pisces is in full effect.

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You’re finally going to land a new job this week, Aries. You can finally quit that job you hate and even make more money. Celebrate the change by quitting in style. Put on your best tuxedo, your nicest shoes and your flashiest feather boa. It’ll be something they never forget.

 

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Enjoy the little things this week, Taurus. Give your shortest friend a big hug and only go to your shortest classes.

 

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

I’ve got a secret for you, Gemini: The reason you don’t have a future is because it requires less effort from me.

 

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You will receive a very special treat this week, Cancer. You’re about to get a surprise visit from your favorite person. It’s technically no longer a surprise if you’re reading this, but I live to ruin things for other people.

 

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)

As I write this, Leo, it’s raining outside. This is proof that spring is on its way. For a quicker seasonal transition, pray to the goddess of spring and become one with nature by leaving your current home and running away to the wilderness.

 

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sep. 22)

You’re going to meet a very special someone downtown this week, Virgo. It will be love at first sight. The stars are aligning, and everything will seem perfect — that is, until he opens his mouth and tells you that you remind him of his mom.

 

Libra (Sep. 23 – Oct. 22)

Treat yourself this week by buying a brand-new outfit. I hear petticoats, hoop skirts and powdered wigs are coming back in style.

 

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

Time to knuckle down, Scorpio. You’re beginning to fall behind in your classes. I once missed an exam that I didn’t know was happening because I skipped class in order to sleep longer. Don’t be like me.

 

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

Well now it’s snowing. From the beginning of this writing process, to now, it has transitioned from rain to snow. Make me feel better by coming to classes dressed like different Vine references. Chances are, I’ll see at least some of you.

 

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

Don’t forget to shovel your sidewalk after all this snowfall, Capricorn. Seriously. Be cool.

 

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

Make a wish on your lucky star, Aquarius. With Mercury shining bright (somewhere, probably), the universe is promising you whatever you desire. Unless it’s unrelenting happiness. There’s no such thing.

 

I’m sorry if my predictions are disappointing for any of you. I’m also sorry if you’re happy with your predictions, because there’s a good chance they won’t actually come true.

The stars show me many things, but are these glimpses of the future, or simply products of my own sleep-deprived delusions? You tell me.

Fuerstenberg can be reached at [email protected].