(Disclaimer: These horoscopes are written for comedic purposes and are not meant to be taken seriously. Any similarities to real life are purely coincidental).

Hello lovely people. The sun is shining and the snow is melting, so I’m feeling particularly optimistic today. At the moment, it is about 31 degrees outside — sunny enough for the streets to dry out, but cold enough to hold back the inevitable Great Flood just a little bit longer.

Despite the End of Days that Eau Claire seems to be approaching, I am beyond ready for spring break. Am I doing anything special that week? No. I’m broke and also sad.

But I’m choosing to see the bright side of things. Looks like temperatures will be hitting the 50s by the week of spring break, so maybe if I stand by my apartment window when it’s sunny outside and close my eyes, it’ll feel like I’m on vacation someplace warm.

In the meantime, please enjoy my final horoscopes until after spring break.

 

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)

Happy birthday and happy almost-spring, Pisces. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping and the mighty Chippewa is slowly rising to new heights. Avoid the footbridge at all costs, Pisces. It’s about to be swept away by The Flood.

With the warm weather comes new adventures for you. You’re about to experience a renewed desire to be outdoors, one with nature. But be sure to keep your eyes wide open the next time you and your friends decide to go for a nice hike through the woods. Bigfoot is out there. And he’s been waiting.

As you probably already know, spring is a time for change and rebirth. Rebrand yourself this season by overhauling your entire personality. Have a small group of close friends? Not anymore. They’re your worst enemies. Have a real passion for writing? Nope. You are now illiterate. Complete the transformation by adopting an accent no one is able to understand and change your name to Clem.

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

The birds are coming back from the South, Aries. Guess who they’re going to poop on first: it’s you.

 

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

The stars are telling me you’re about to have the greatest spring break ever, Taurus. But if you go anywhere warm, you’re doomed to be sacrificed to a volcano. The colder your spring break destination, the more fun you’ll have.

 

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Nah, bruh. Nothing.

 

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Watch out, Cancer. Your apartment or house is about to experience some flooding. There’s nothing you can do to stop it, so you might as well just enjoy your new indoor pool.

 

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)

True to your courageous nature, you’re about to try something completely new and unexpected. You’re finally going to try jumping the Chippewa with your Nissan.

 

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sep. 22)

Guess what, Virgo. I’m cat-sitting right now. As I write this, I am sitting on the floor as Jack Attack the Black Cat rubs up against my back. Celebrate this magical moment with me by kidnapping the first cat you see and making it your new child.

 

Libra (Sep. 23 – Oct. 22)

Fun fact, Libra: My boyfriend always says he’s afraid of toddlers because they always mysteriously disappear after three or four years. Help protect him from the scary toddlers by catching the next toddler you see with a giant butterfly net.

 

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

Prove to your friends that you care about them by buying them doughnuts. You know who you are.

 

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

Jack Attack just walked across my keyboard and typed some nonsense. I considered just leaving that as your fortune, but I didn’t think my editor-in-chief would approve without some sort of explanation. Having said that, I will now repeat exactly what the cat wrote: t43ert4t.

 

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

My right arm is currently being gnawed on by a blood-thirsty beast. Always remember, Aquarius, even the most innocent-looking creatures want nothing more than to cause pain and suffering.

 

All done. I will miss you all so much over spring break. Everyone please stay safe and smart over our week off, and remember: the stars are watching.

Fuerstenberg can be reached at [email protected].