(Disclaimer: These horoscopes are written for comedic purposes and are not meant to be taken seriously. Any similarities to real life are purely coincidental).

Hello, all. It is I, back from a brief hiatus. This past week has been horrible, but I am here and ready to destroy all of your hopes for a positive future.

But, Game of Thrones is back, everyone. This is what will get me through the rest of the semester. And just so you all know, the nature of my future horoscopes will definitely reflect the emotions I feel after each episode. It’s going to be rough.

Thus, we begin.

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

I hope all of your birthday dreams and wishes are coming true, Aries. Unless you’re the monster who wished for more snow. If that’s the case, I hope you have a terrible birthday.

 

The school year has reached its final quarter. As the weather (painstakingly slowly) warms and summer approaches, you will begin to find your studies increasingly difficult to focus on.

 

Counteract this harmful process by moving all of your personal belongings into Hibbard Hall and never stepping foot outside. Avoid all the windows — which will be easy, as many classrooms don’t have any — so you might not feel tempted. The only true way to stay focused on your classes is by living in one of your classrooms.

 

Think of this as a “Bird Box” scenario: If you look outside, your grades die in a sudden, graphic death.

 

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

For the next week, your lucky color is orange. Your lucky number is 62. What does this mean, exactly? Well, that’s up for interpretation. Maybe you should only eat 62 pieces of orange foods for the next week. Maybe you should wear 62 articles of orange clothing until something lucky happens. You decide, then get back to me regarding what worked best.

 

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Nada, amigos.

 

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Uh oh, Cancer. This week, Mars will be entering the Northwestern quadrant of the retrogradational terminal velocity spectrum of nonsense. The stars need you to know something very important: Astrology is a joke, and you’re about to lose all of your left socks.

 

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)

It appears you’re about to go on a fun, once-in-a-lifetime trip, Leo. Don’t worry, your kidnappers will probably return you.

 

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sep. 22)

As the end of the semester approaches, remember to start thinking about your classes for next fall, Virgo. No matter what classes you sign up for, you’re probably going to hate them all. The stars say so.

 

Libra (Sep. 23 – Oct. 22)

This is very important, Libra: The next person you see wearing a red shirt cannot be trusted. Let them know you’re onto them by getting all up in their face and whispering “I’m onto you” while squinting really hard.

 

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

For the next week, you must only wear red shirts. For some reason, all Libras you meet will act really weird around you, and the red shirt will signify to them that you’re a loving person.

 

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

Remember that textbook your professor forced you to buy for $150? Well, guess what, he’s about to have you open it for the first time all semester. And it’ll only give you information that you could’ve easily googled.

 

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

Hey Capricorn, I just got another job. Help me manage my crippling stress by putting me in a coma. You decide how, but don’t tell me. I want to be surprised.

 

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

As your sign literally has the word “aqua” in it, I think it’s only fair that you be the one to negotiate with Mother Nature and convince her to stop dumping frozen misery on us. Get on that.

 

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)

The stars are warning me that the Great Flood is still a very real possibility here in Eau Claire. The snow will melt, the rain will come and the river will rise. We are only days away from the footbridge being swept away by the mighty Chippewa River. Prepare for this tragedy by wearing a life jacket every time you cross the bridge.

 

Boom, the end. I sure do hope you all enjoyed my predictions of the week. I’m not going to lie and say a lot of brain power goes into these, but I am sacrificing my valuable “New Girl” binge-watching time for this.

Fuerstenberg can be reached at [email protected].