(Disclaimer: These horoscopes are written for comedic purposes and are not meant to be taken seriously. Any similarities to real life are purely coincidental).

Hi, everyone. It is currently 81 degrees outside. Eighty-one. You know what’s real weird? Seeing a few sad piles of snow clinging to life in 80 degree weather while the mighty Chippewa starts to absorb Owen Park and other surrounding infrastructure.

Man, it sure is a time to be alive. I’m so glad I’ve gotten to experience this world right before human beings really destroy it.

But it was real nice getting to spend the weekend actually doing things outside. My boyfriend and I went to Putnam trail a few times. Yesterday, we walked his roommate’s ferret (Glenn) down Water Street. It was magical.

Anyway, you guys don’t come here to hear about my weekend or my thoughts on climate change. On with the “horoscopes.”

 

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Happy birthday — or almost-birthday — Taurus. Oh, and happy late-Easter. Unless you’re not Christian; happy spring, I guess.

Venus has been knocked from its orbit and is now hurtling toward the sun. You know what that means: you’re about to experience some major changes in your love life. Maybe a special someone is planning a special birthday/late-Easter/spring surprise for you.

I can’t say for sure, but I’m almost positive it will involve a carton of milk and an arrest warrant.

Also, it’s time to redecorate, Taurus. The flow of your room is all wrong. But good news, while you’re moving your bed, you will discover an unexpected treasure. I’m not sure what it is, but you should go look immediately.

 

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Ne (That’s Lithuanian. Bet you can guess what it says).

 

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

I’m sorry, Cancer, but you’ve just entered the Terror Zone — the worst place you could possibly end up (my mind). There is only one way to escape the Terror Zone. Scream-sing “Old Town Road” at the top of your lungs until I literally lose my mind, and — by association — you.

 

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)

You’re weird, Leo. So weird, in fact, that no one would question it if you decided to put on a one-person performance of different “Game of Thrones” scenes in the campus mall. You’d need a lot of different costumes, but I think it’d be worth it.

 

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sep. 22)

Eat an egg.

 

Libra (Sep. 23 – Oct. 22)

Try to steal the next egg you see right out of another person’s hand.

 

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

Scorpio, I am trying to start an all-out war between the Virgos and Libras. Help me out by screaming “I FOUND ONE” every time you see someone holding an egg.

 

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

You know, it is really hard for me to type these and eat my Flavor Blasted: Xtra Cheddar Goldfish at the same time. My fingers are cheesy, and now, so is my keyboard. Help me out by cutting off my hands.

 

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

You know what’s fun, Capricorn? Thousands of dollars of student loan debt. You know what else is fun? Dropping out of college to pursue a career in theater.

 

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

Last week, I told you to make the snow stop. Mission accomplished. Bad news though: the village folk now know that you’re a witch, and they will hunt you down.

 

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)

With the warm weather comes my least favorite part of spring/summer: the bugs. There was this weird mutant-spider-centipede thing in my apartment the other day. Its death was not swift. Help protect me from the creepy crawlies by praying for another meteor to hit Earth and cause another mass extinction.

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You’re going to have a really terrible nightmare this week, Aries. The stars are telling me you will probably cry. Also, try not to think about that nightmare while you’re in class; you will scream.

 

I really must be going. Not because I have anything important I should be doing. I just want to be done.

Bye.

Fuerstenberg can be reached at [email protected].