(Disclaimer: This article is satire and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the views of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.)

Of the two new large additions to Garfield Avenue, the fountain has definitely attracted more attention than the arch at the end of it.

“I’m definitely not going (in the fountain) again,” said Jenna Dunn, a third-year political science student.

Many people have raised questions on the fountain’s design and critiqued its appearance. From its off-center placement to large rocks somehow growing out of brick, opinions on the fountain have been mixed.

Dunn has nothing positive to say after this past weekend.

“My friends and I have been skinny dipping in the Chippewa River for years,” Dunn said. “Once we heard a fountain was being built, we were all very excited.”

Dunn said she and her friends were looking forward to having a shorter walk from Chancellors Hall to a spot where they could share in one of their favorite hobbies. After rigorous calculations and measurements, they confirmed it takes two minutes less to walk to the new fountain than Dunn’s usual spot.

However, upon their initial swim, Dunn said she was dissatisfied with the experience.

Both the fountain and arch were donations of Jon and Megan Stowe. The fountain is made of hand-picked aqua granite and was meant to highlight key characteristics of the Chippewa River.

“Fountain is a generous word,” Dunn explained. “I would call it a bubbling puddle. All of the rocks in said puddle made a bad experience even worse.”

With her hopes and dreams crushed, Dunn and her friends marched across the footbridge to their normal spot. Dunn left the fountain that night with mixed emotions. She was disappointed in the fountain of course, but very happy her tuition money had nothing to do with its creation.

Fellow skinny-dipper Allison Blair also had strong feelings about the fountain. A third-year biology student, Blair was very interested in the characteristics of the Chippewa River to be seen in the fountain. She was also excited to take her clothes off and start swimming.

“I’ve only been skinny dipping for one year now,” Blair said. “I don’t foresee a worse spot to go to in my years of skinny dipping to come.”

Blair and Dunn have sent out formal complaints to the Dean of Students in hopes of a change being put in place. So far, they have not gotten a response.

Dunn closed her interview with “If the university ever plans to build another fountain, they should make it a top priority for people who want to swim in the nude if their heart desires it.”

Doyle can be reached at [email protected].