(Disclaimer: This article is satire and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the views of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.)

Students at UW-Eau Claire said they often dread walking up the hill that separates upper and lower campus. 

“The hill is a metaphor for heaven and salvation, and the fiery pits of hell,” Jason Shortlegs said.

This dislike of the hill from students often negatively affects admissions and the number of student applicants, campus officials said.  

“We are well aware that many people pass up the University of Wisconsin Eau-Claire due to the hill,” said Deb Cooper, an admissions counselor at UW-Eau Claire. “The walk up and down every day can be daunting to first-year students.” 

As a way to boost admissions, rather than lose out on potential incoming freshmen, campus ambassadors will no longer be required to take students up the hill as a part of their tours, Cooper said. 

Cooper said she has a quota of admitted students to meet every year, as more students mean more money for the university. 

“At the end of the day, the university is a business before it’s a school,” Cooper said. “We want your money. Having the tour guides avoid the hill isn’t lying to the incoming students, it’s just not telling the truth, and that’s something we’re okay with doing,” Cooper said.

Tours will start on lower campus as usual, but, instead of making the group hike up the dreadful hill, the tour group will be bussed to Carson Park in order to see the football stadium. 

After the quick detour, the group will continue to upper campus where they will stay far away from the hill, touring only a dorm room in the Oak Ridge residence hall because it is the furthest first-year residence hall from the hill.

“Of course, once the students are here, they’ll realize the steep climb they’ll have to make every day,” Cooper said. “However, once they’re here, we’ve won. The university already has their money,” Cooper said. 

The tour guides said they are happy with the changes. 

“I no longer have to hear a mom talk about how winded the hill made her,” said Grant Gibson, one of the campus tour guides. 

Gibson is a second-year marketing student who has been giving campus tours for a year now. 

“I absolutely love the campus, minus the hill,” Gibson said. “Omitting the bad part of campus from the tour is not a bad thing. It makes giving the tour a bit easier and makes it more enjoyable for the families. I’m all for the new tour style. It’s only kind of a scam,” Gibson said. 

Admissions are predicted to skyrocket for the 2020-21 academic year with the implementation of this new tour policy. 

Doyle can be reached at [email protected]