(Disclaimer: This article is satire and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the views of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.)

Bridget Barnes went in for an appointment at Student Health Service last Friday and the staff was shocked to see her symptoms. 

Barnes, a third-year nursing student, reported symptoms ranging from fever and chills to bleeding from her mouth. After running tests, the staff concluded Barnes had the bubonic plague.

Student Health Service has had over 50 students come in with similar symptoms since then. 

“I started feeling ill as soon as I read Chancellor Jim’s email, and ever since then it’s gotten worse and worse,” Barnes said. 

Chancellor Jim stated that the campus was in a “dark time” in response to racism on campus.

“Two of my friends have the plague, and now I’m scared to even go to class,” Chad Bushmaker, a second-year ecology student, said. 

Bushmaker said he is surprised the worst pandemic in human history could be brought back so easily. 

“It’s scary how fast the plague has swept through campus, I only leave my dorm to eat now,” Bushmaker said. “No grade drop or course failure will make me risk my life out there more than I have to.”

The plague is causing major inconveniences for students, as well as staff members.

The Student Health Service staff has reported having trouble treating the large number of sick students seeking aid. Some of the staff themselves have contracted the plague while treating students. 

“It’s awful because we don’t have the funding to deal with this,” Katie Felton, an on-campus nurse, said. 

Felton said, in order for the university to create the new lacrosse team, funding to Student Health Service had to be cut.

“Students have been utilizing Crest as a resource over a hospital due to Crest being far cheaper than a hospital,” Felton said. “But I don’t think it’s worth risking my life to treat these students anymore.”

Felton is one of many staff members in the Student Health Service considering cutting their losses and moving on to a new location.

“Students should just go to the hospital and get some antibiotics if they want to be treated correctly, but sadly there’s no sign when the plague will stop,” Felton said. “Chancellor Jim did not specify when this ‘dark time’ would end for the university, and I’m quite frankly scared,” Felton said. 

There is no word on an end to this “dark time” so until then, know the symptoms of bubonic plague, and wash your hands Blugolds. 

Doyle can be reached at [email protected]