(Disclaimer: This article is satire and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the views of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.)

Winter break is an ideal time for the university to do general maintenance, cleaning and general planning for the upcoming semester. 

However, the new plans administration passed over break have left many students upset.

Following an athletics incident last semester, funding for the department is at an all time low. In an effort to fund the ever-important Division III teams UW-Eau Claire has, campus administration is giving them the required funding at the cost of ceasing snow removal.

“The large amount of money we set aside each year for salt, equipment and labor was something we were happy to cut when we saw how much our athletics department was suffering,” Wendy Bloomberg, an administrative assistant, said.

Bloomberg said the general consensus among university administration was that snow is not a big enough barrier for students to get to class to warrant the amount of money being spent on snow removal.

“Winter only lasts a little more than half of the academic year,” Bloomberg said. “So I believe students should think of this small sacrifice as a necessity and take pride in the fact that they are helping fund the sublime athletics here at Eau Claire.”

The response from students on campus has been mostly negative. Most students who were questioned condemned the administration for brushing aside a “major obstacle” as a minor inconvenience.

Katy Driver, a third-year journalism student, has been one of the loudest voices opposing the new budget. 

“I’m only 4’11”,” Driver said. “Sometimes we get more snow on the ground than that. How am I expected to walk to class?” 

Driver said she was also very frustrated with the university’s obvious favoritism of athletics over academics. 

“No one goes to any of these low division games or events, but everyone goes to class every day,” Driver said. “This campus has to get their priorities straight or I might transfer to UW-Stout.”

Issues with the new budget also affect people on a personal level. Sam Park, a second-year marketing student, expressed his distress after his shoes were soaked through with snow.

“My J’s always stay on my feet,” Park said. “I could never show up to class not dripping up a storm, so taking them off in this weather is still not an option.”

Park said he wants to join the movement on campus to bring snow removal back, knowing his “J’s” days are numbered with all the snow on the ground. 

“It won’t be long until my kicks are ruined, and when that day comes I won’t hesitate to sue the school,” Park said.

More updates to follow.

Doyle can be reached at [email protected]