(Disclaimer: This article is satire and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the views of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.)

This past weekend, the Housing and Residence Life department at UW-Eau Claire was outraged to see some of their own employees listed under Wikipedia’s “Governmental lists of cults and sects.” 

The addition was made by first-year student Kyle Garfield, a business student at the university. Garfield made the addition once he said the Resident Assistants (RAs) began to participate in activities on campus that were very “culty.”

Garfield used the definition “a relatively small group of people have religious beliefs or practices regarded by others as strange or sinister” to back up his addition to the widely used online encyclopedia. 

“My friends and I joked that the RAs were a cult in my hall, but upon further research about what criteria a group must have to be a cult, I was shocked,” Garfield said. “I had to make sure the entire world knew what was going on here.” 

Garfield had many reasons listed on Wikipedia for the RAs’ inclusion.

“They have private meetings, an excessive admiration for boring hall events and they all seem to be possessed by something not natural,” Garfield said. 

Garfield noted the strange actions he had seen in his own hall were present in other halls as well, based on accounts from friends.

“It is not just an issue in my hall; all of the halls on campus seem to be this way,” Garfield said. “One of my friends in Towers had a near-death experience when she said ‘rule of thumb’ in front of an RA.” 

Garfield explained how “rule of thumb” is a microaggression, something RA’s seem to care an awful lot about for no reason. 

“I guess I added the RAs to the list as a big warning: If anyone thinks of coming to school here, they should probably know what they are getting into,” Garfield said. “It should hopefully help some students steer clear of this school if they happen to look up lists of cults online.” 

Jan Smith, an administrative assistant, said her department was shocked to hear this news. 

“If some students have discovered parallels between cults and our Residence Assistants, it is a big problem,” Smith said. “The housing department has gone unchecked for too long and big changes are coming soon.” 

The Office of the Chancellor will announce the changes to housing by the end of the month.

“This has to be changed immediately,” Smith said. “The last thing we want is for a student to join the RAs in search of financial help with school, only to be forced into a cult.”

RA applications are due at 11:59 PM Wednesday, Feb. 12. 

Doyle can be reached at [email protected].