(Disclaimer: This article is satire and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the views of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.)

It is only natural for athletes to want a crowd to cheer them on in the stands. 

Different athletes advertise their events in different ways, but many students and staff members seem to believe the wrestling team’s tactics are the least efficient and the most obnoxious.

The wrestling team is mostly seen in the Davies Center near the Service Center, running a table and handing out multiple fliers, advertising their latest meet. 

These fliers make it into students’ hands, but don’t always seem to make it into the recycling bin.

For a custodian whose job is to keep the Davies Center clean and tidy, these fliers are a continual annoyance. Pete Martin, the custodian in charge of the dining room, said he cleans up the majority of these fliers.

“No one goes to their silly wrestling meets, I can only assume college kids have better things to be doing,” Martin said. “I can imagine doing literally anything else would take priority over going to a wrestling meet.” 

Martin said he hopes the wrestling team will one day see when they walk into the Davies Center with a stack of fliers, they realize all of them are thrown away. 

These fliers have also raised concerns from environmental activists on campus. Eve Derecks, an eco-representative for Horan Hall was displeased in the waste of paper. 

“The amount of paper and ink they use for their silly advertising is what we call a cardinal sin in our Eco Club meetings,” Derecks said.

Derecks said he laments the fact that no one on the wrestling team is in her organization, otherwise, there are consequences for sins of this level.

“Removal of the dominant hand is usually our choice of punishment, but seeing as the wrestling team has been doing this for such a long time, we would most likely take off their entire arm,” Derecks said. “It would be a reminder at all times, including during their meets. “Let’s see how well they can wrestle with one arm.” 

These fliers also cause emotional stress and strain to normal everyday students. 

Emma Fryer, a second-year critical studies student, said she gets anxious every time she enters the Davies Center and sees the wrestling team promoting their meets.

“I purposefully avoid them at this point—even going around the entire building—just so they can’t hand me things,” Fryer said. “I just want my teriyaki bowl, please don’t ask me if I will be attending your Division III wrestling meet.”

There has been no word of the wrestling team doing anything new to promote their meets, so only time will tell if the complaints on their current method will push them to change.

Doyle can be reached at [email protected].