(Disclaimer: This article is satire and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the views of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.)

March 30 marks an important day for many UW-Eau Claire students, as it is the soft opening for Starbucks coffee appearing in the campus coffee shop: The Cabin. 

The Cabin is located in the Davies Student Center and serves coffee, pastries and even a selection of beer. 

The Cabin also hosts a wide variety of musical and artist performances.

The one thing that many students say has always held The Cabin back was the quality of its main attraction: the coffee. 

The coffee, provided by Caribou Coffee, is not everybody’s favorite.

“Holy moly, Caribou Coffee is so overrated. I’d rather drink stale urine,” said Molly Huben, a third-year journalism student. “I love the Cabin, but always have to order a smoothie since the coffee looks like it was brewed in a crusty bathtub.”

The change of coffee vendors at The Cabin has been discussed since 2016, but some students are upset they will no longer be drinking Caribou’s raw sewage. 

“Caribou is a Midwestern company and I prefer them over a big chain like Starbucks,” Brent Keiser, a second-year business student, said. “It upsets me that a more local business is getting the short end of the stick here, but at least we still have Einsteins.”

This new change also seems to have little effect on many students. Alice Blair, a first-year marketing student, does not have a preference.

“It doesn’t matter to me, I drink black coffee so the change won’t affect me at all,” Blair said. “The scalding bitter liquid going down my throat is the only thing keeping me awake through my critical studies class. As long as I can still get my coffee, I should at least pass with a C.”

Both Starbucks and Caribou are known for being expensive coffee vendors, so it might come as no surprise that many Blugolds prefer to brew their own coffee. 

Seymore Butz, a second-year finance student, makes himself a pot of coffee every morning. 

“Coffee at The Cabin is expensive, so I skip the big chains and make it myself,” Butz said. “I love the smell of coffee in the morning, and not wasting money is also nice.”

When asked about the change, Jennifer Duncan, an administrative assistant, explained the decision to change to Starbucks coffee was purely a safety issue. 

“We as a campus should not be serving liquid excrements to students in our very own coffee shop,” Duncan said. “Our next goal is to remove Einsteins and get the Caribou Coffee chain off our campus for good.” 

Overall, the campus response to the change has leaned positive, but that is to be expected when the coffee vendor’s product can be considered a poison in certain laboratory tests.  

Doyle can be reached at [email protected].