(Disclaimer: This article is satire and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the views of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.)

The weekend of March 13 was when most Blugolds were sent home amidst the COVID-19 pandemic. Wherever students considered their home to be, it was not on UWEC’s campus. 

However, many people forget about a community that lives on campus no matter if the students are there or not: the mallard duck population. 

Many people were worried about how the ducks would fare during this pandemic. Luckily, Sherry Walker, a CDC representative, informed the duck population about the guidelines for their safety. 

“The ducks should practice social distancing from one another and be no closer than eight inches from one another due to their size,” Walker said. “They should also refrain from touching their bill and keep their feathers clean and sanitized.” 

Walker knows hand sanitizer is rather hard to come by for humans these days and recommends that the ducks conduct a large, full flock attack on a human in possession of some, should they get the chance. 

“No one is going to give hand sanitizer to these ducks and they need it as much as we do,” Walker said. “If you as a human are going to hog a ton of hand sanitizer, you should expect retaliation from the entire animal kingdom.” 

The ducks on campus are less than pleased with the regulations, but are aware that it is a “necessary evil.”

Sammy Puddles, a third-year female mallard, said she is most upset about the social distancing and how it is affecting her day-to-day life.

“I can’t even swim down the stream anymore without risking getting too close to other ducks,” Puddles said. “We fly as a flock and swim as a team, it’s ridiculous that the CDC expects that we can just start social distancing out of nowhere, we can’t just change our culture out of nowhere.”

Puddles is most upset about not being able to spend time with her boyfriend. 

“We would swim down the stream together every day, sleep by the riverbank and fly around campus to people watch, and now it’s all been taken away from me,” Puddles said. 

Puddle’s boyfriend Louie Waddles, a fourth-year male mallard, seems less worried about the CDC guidelines. 

“I had a heart attack when that human said we’d have to practice social distancing, but once she told us the distance, I let out a quack of relief,” Waddles said. “Sammy and I needed some space from one another, anyway. She’s been getting a bit clingy. Never lets me talk to the other ladies.”

Waddles said he would try his best to look at this situation from a positive light. He said he looks forward to some much-needed alone time.

Waddles then proceeded to wink at the reporter.

Doyle can be reached at [email protected].