(Disclaimer: This article is satire and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the views of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.)

The transition of classes from in-person to online due to the COVID-19 pandemic has led to many UW-Eau Claire students moving back home for the remainder of the spring semester.

In order to compensate for the no-longer necessary parking passes, meal plans and residence halls, the administration had promised to give a prorated refund.

However, the administration has decided to retract the offer as a result of the  negative feedback provided following their first wave of refunds, which were supposed to cover parking passes.

‘S’ parking pass holders were reportedly refunded $21 and ‘R’ pass holders were reportedly refunded $24. 

Many students were upset with the initial compensation. When the cost of the pass is divided by the length of the permit in days, it would show that students should receive over $90 in refunds for the remaining days of the permit’s usage. 

Campus administration was quick to point out that this is not how their refund system works, since it was out to scam students from the start.

“On the UWEC website, you can clearly see at what times in the academic year we give what refunds, and we give no refunds past April, so quite frankly the students should be thankful they got anything,” Becky Scott, an administrative assistant, said. “Of course we gave the bare minimum we could, but at the end of the day we’re a business, not a university that cares about its students.”

Because of the complaints received via email and the relentless blows to administration via posts from the campus meme page, “UWEC Memes for Trend-Setting Teens,” all refunds were canceled as of Saturday. 

“Not everyone knows that Chancellor Jim is a part of the meme page himself, and once he informed us all of the callus posts, we all said “screw it” and decided to just cancel all of the refunds,” Scott said. “It’s not like all of these students need extra money right now. They should stop being so greedy.” 

Scott went on to explain that any excuse for UW-Eau Claire to scam students out of their own money is one they will easily take.

These comments have made many Blugolds angry as they thought, in light of a worldwide pandemic, UW-Eau Claire might grow one sliver of empathy.

Isabelle Rein, a third-year marketing student, was one of the most vocal responders to the administration’s decision. 

“They’re greedy, money hoarding bastards who prove that all of the university’s problems are internal,” Rein said. “They’re probably punting any ducks they see sitting by the creek while the students aren’t there, those sick schmucks.”

The administration warned students that, if more bad comments were made, they would revoke every parking permit refund and charge those already given a refund equal to the amount they were refunded.

Doyle can be reached at [email protected].