(Disclaimer: This article is satire and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the views of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.)

Last week,  Ray Cross, the UW System president, called for a streamlining of duplicate degree programs before fall 2021 due to COVID-19’s financial strain on the System.

This restructure would undoubtedly cause layoffs throughout the System and has been opposed by many schools already, including UW-Eau Claire.

Due to the backlash, Cross changed the restructure plan in order to end the complaints coming to him. 

The new plan closes every UW school in the state except UW-Madison for the foreseeable future. UW-Madison will then offer online courses to all UW students in the state at the price of UW-Madison’s typical tuition.

“This is a great solution to a huge problem,” Cross said. “The System can save a lot of money by no longer paying for trash like UW-Stout.” 

Cross is also excited about a complete and total restructure of all UW schools following the pandemic. 

“Once the schools are able to re-open, we can evaluate who comes back to their job and who doesn’t,” Cross said. “Like for example, Chancellor Jim of UW-Eau Claire: Does the man do anything? Does he do enough for the school he runs? We have had mixed reviews and will definitely be making big changes across all UW schools.” 

Cross said he is also excited for all the UW students who are going to have their classes online in the fall. 

“Finally these kids will be able to see what real teaching looks like, from a well established and celebrated institution,” Cross said. “Let’s just say that the UW-Green Bay kids can thank me later.” 

Cross said all decisions are final and faculty and staff members of all other UW schools should look to re-apply in the fall. 

“I was going to retire soon, but this is going to be fun,” Cross said. “Who would pass this up?”

Outrage instantly ensued. 

Students from all UW schools are reportedly upset at their universities being shut down and the higher rate of tuition they will have to pay for online classes in the fall. 

Bobby Smith, a third-year engineering student at UW-Platteville, is calling for a statewide boycott of the UW system. 

“If they’re willing to f— over thousands of faculty members for months, then I say that we f— them over,” Smith said. “Let’s see what they do when applicants for the fall semester are in the single digits.” 

However, not all students are upset. Brady Jade is a second-year undecided student at UW-Madison, and he said he believes all UW students should consider themselves lucky.

“What the president of the UW System said is absolutely right. Count yourself lucky that you can bask in the light of Madison courses for an entire semester,” Jade said. “Let’s be real, most people going to other UW schools were just too stupid to get into Madison, so they should be happy at the opportunity.” 

Jade believes that one semester with UW-Madison courses could be enough to make students push for more. 

“If you work hard enough this semester, maybe you can apply to Madison and get in,” Jade said. “Not only will you get a serious educational upgrade, but you’ll also be able to go to the sickest parties in Wisco.”

Doyle can be reached at [email protected].