(Disclaimer: These horoscopes are written for comedic purposes and are not meant to be taken seriously. Any similarities to real life are purely coincidental). 

Greetings, my dudes.

Welcome back to yet another round of “Horoscopes?” — a.k.a things I make up on the spot. 

We’re off to a rough start here in COVID Land, but I’m choosing to remain hopeful until the very last Blugold is thrown into quarantine. Because that’s what it’s all about during these trying times: Blind optimism.

While I can’t predict exactly when all this chaos will reach an end, I’m still here to tell you all about your more immediate futures. Let’s be real — that’s what you’re really here for. 

Thus, I begin.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

As Virgo month continues, I’d like to remind you that having a birthday does not give you the right to go out and party this month. Be socially responsible and have the best kind of birthday celebration: Being alone. 

But never fear, Virgo. The stars are telling me you’ll never truly be alone. There’s a rat in your wall. And yes, he is a carrier of the Bubonic Plague. His name is Jip, and if you train him properly he will cook just as well as the rat from Ratatouille. Maybe he’ll bake you a cake.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23)

Your worst enemy is planning their big move against you at this very moment. Don’t let them get the upper hand. Strike first, and strike fast. 

Scorpio (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22)

Somewhere in the world, there is a dog that’s mad at you. Let that sink in, Scorpio.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21)

The stars are telling me you’re in for a round of real bad luck. Unfortunately, they’re not giving me any insight as to how you can avoid it. Guess you’ll just have to suck it up and brace for impact. 

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

The bees are coming.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

At long last, President Donald Trump will finally respond to one of your Tweets this week. And yes, it will be as petty as you’d expect. 

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)

I hope you like plants, Pisces. Like, really like them — to the point of obsession. Your roommate has a void they need to fill, and they will use plants to do it. Your apartment will look and feel like a rainforest by the end of the week.

To make things worse, they’ll run a humidifier constantly and exclusively use baby talk to communicate with all 90 of them. 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

The air is getting cooler and the leaves are changing colors. That can only mean one thing: Pumpkin Spice flavored things are making a comeback. But, be warned: the next Pumpkin Spice-whatever you consume will be poisoned. Good luck making it through “Spooky Season” without your gourd juice.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

It’s going to be in the 80’s on Tuesday. Looks like it’s your last chance to go tubing down the Chippewa before fall really hits. Make the experience extra special by hosting the “Closing Ceremonies.” Shoot off fireworks from your tube.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21)

No hay nada. 

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

You’re friends want to go to The Pickle this weekend. Don’t give in. Not only is The Pickle a breeding ground for disease, but it will also become Ground Zero for the rebirth of the Bubonic Plague. (See Virgo to understand how that happens).

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)

Plants can’t fill the current void in your soul, Leo. I don’t care if they’re “so cute.” You’re wasting your money at Down to Earth and you don’t need one on every single surface in the apartment. 

That’s all for today, my dudes. Go forth with this new wisdom. And always remember: I know things.

Fuerstenberg can be reached at [email protected].