(Disclaimer: These horoscopes are written for comedic purposes and are not meant to be taken seriously. Any similarities to real life are purely coincidental). 

Happy final-third of September, everyone. We’ve almost made it a whole month without the university shutting down. Yay us.

I’d like to celebrate this momentous milestone with another batch of poorly written “horoscopes” — because don’t we all need a little bit of silliness right now?

Plus, writing these offers me a valid excuse from doing homework and I think that’s beautiful.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

We are approaching the end of your birthday season. That’s OK though, because the stars are telling me your life is about to improve substantially.

You see, I know there’s something that has been bothering you lately. But luckily for you, I know exactly how you can make things better. 

Eat a banana peel. I don’t know why, nor do I have any idea how this will help, but I am positive that your luck will improve almost instantly.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23)

You’re in for some really great news, Libra. It will involve the color purple, a single sock, an elephant and a canoe.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22)

Don’t trust anything in your bathroom, Scorpio. Your roommate has added a special ingredient to your body wash. I can’t say for certain what that ingredient is, but I do know one thing for sure: It will burn if you apply it.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21)

You’ve been down on your luck lately, Sagittarius. That’s probably not going to change. 

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

Your first exam of the semester is coming up this week. The stars are telling me you’re going to ace it — but not without consequences. Everyone else in your class will fail unless you tank your exam. Make a choice.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

I know what you did, Aquarius. That campus squirrel did not deserve to be treated that way. Now, you must make amends — before it’s too late.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)

It’s time to face your fears, Pisces. Apply for that job. Ask out that person you’ve been crushing on. Learn that new hobby. Drink that expired milk in your fridge. The world is your oyster this week. 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You’re about to go on the adventure of a lifetime, Aries. I can’t tell you when, though. Therefore, you must be prepared 24/7. Never leave your apartment without your water bottle, your crocs (with the adventure straps on, of course), a machete, a sweater or an inflated innertube.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

The stars are telling me you’re an animal lover, Taurus. Well, that’s good, because a family of bears is about to take over your house — reverse-Goldilocks style.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21)

You are futureless. 

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

Love hasn’t always gone your way, Cancer and that’s OK. Things are about to change. The love of your life is the next person who says “pterodactyl” to you. 

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)

Our favorite genderless, humanoid bird-thing — Blu the Blugold — has a special gift for you. Meet them under the footbridge at dusk.

Well, now that I have accurately revealed all of your futures based on no research, zero understanding of astrology and no consideration for individual circumstance, it is time for me to return to that homework I mentioned before.

Until next time, my friends.

Fuerstenberg can be reached at [email protected].