(Disclaimer: This article is satire and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the views of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.)

It was a normal Monday morning for second-year marketing student Billy Mill. Mill attended his 8 a.m. economics class, and then went to the Davies Center for breakfast. Upon grabbing himself an omelet, he noticed that the dining area was empty. This started a frantic search for a place to eat before his omelet became cold.

“I searched all over campus, but the library, Davies and every common space in the academic buildings were empty, with no chairs or tables,” Mill said. “All outdoor seating is gone too, even the rocks in the campus mall have been removed.”

Mill was forced to eat his omelet on the Schofield Hall steps, but by then, it was too late. 

“After more than thirty minutes of searching, my breakfast was cold,” Mill said. “I was royally pissed, so I went up to the office of the chancellor right after sliding my cold omelet down my throat.”

Mill was told an announcement would be made later that day by an executive assistant to the chancellor. 

Kathy Green made that announcement, unveiling new protocols put in place for COVID-19. 

“It is very important that we stay on campus this fall,” Green said, “but if students attending an institution of higher learning cannot follow simple CDC guidelines, then we will make it very hard to not follow them.”

The most significant new protocol being implemented is the removal of seating and tables throughout campus. 

“You must only be on lower campus if you are going to class, getting food to go or checking out a library book; otherwise, you should be at home,” Green said. 

All student organizations have also been banned, including Student Senate. 

“Gatherings are strictly prohibited now — even over video chat,” Green said. “We must not focus on pointless organizations and instead focus on our studies and keeping those case numbers down.”

The Tator staff reached out to Green after the announcement to ask if the administration knew how they were affecting the “college experience”.

“The UWEC administration does not really care about a college experience at this point,” Green said. “Students paid for their classes, and room and board, not a place to sit in Davies.”

Doyle can be reached at [email protected].