(Disclaimer: These horoscopes are written for comedic purposes and are not meant to be taken seriously. Any similarities to real life are purely coincidental). 

Hello, all. 

It is I, your favorite horoscope maker-upper, back from a brief hiatus. 

“Why,” you may ask? None of your business. Let’s just say the proverbial excrement hit the proverbial fan.

But, that doesn’t matter now. The truly important thing is I am back and you may all once again gain some insight into your immediate futures.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23)

Happy birthday season, Libra. The stars are telling me that this combination of Homecoming week and your birthday probably wasn’t too great. 

Apparently, you partied a little too hard last weeked. The good news? You had a great time. The bad news? You have COVID-19. 

Have fun in quarantine.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22)

You are a strong, beautiful person, Scorpio. You already knew that, though. Celebrate your amazingness by buying yourself something nice. That’s what credit cards are for.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21)

Bad news, Sagittarius. Your roommate cannot be trusted. I hate to be the one to break this to you, but there’s a hidden camera in your house. But be warned: If you find it and unplug it, your roommate will chastise you for touching their stuff.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

It’s officially “spooky season.” Celebrate the occasion by doing something that scares you, Capricorn. What is scarier than asking Chancellor James C. Schmidt for his number? The worst thing he can do is say “No.”

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

Looking for a sign, Aquarius? Here it is: It’s time to get off Tinder. That app’s not good for anyone.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)

The stars are telling me it’s time to shake things up a bit, Pisces. It’s time to shave your head.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You’re finally ready to get your dream pet, Aries — but only if that dream pet is a beaver.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Open up Netflix. Watch the short film titled “What Did Jack Do?” In it, you will find the meaning of life.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21)

You don’t have a future.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

Your significant other has a big surprise for you, Cancer. It doesn’t involve food, but it does involve a bathing suit, toothbrush and ski mask.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)

Don’t give in to those crazy impulses, Leo. Quitting your job and dropping out of college may seem like solid ideas in the moment, but it’s getting a little too cold to be evicted from your apartment.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

You should probably change your major, Virgo. You won’t graduate on time, but at least you’ll discover the true meaning of “student loan debt.”

Fuerstenberg can be reached at [email protected].