(Disclaimer: This article is satire and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the views of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.)

UW-Eau Claire students have plenty to be scared of in October. Midterms, COVID-19 and UW-Eau Claire’s Blugold Flight Plan have made an already scary month even more horrifying. 

The administration has decided to put students even more on-edge with their Halloween plans. 

After allegedly discovering the bones of an unnamed UWEC freshman in Blu the Blugold’s nest, the administration came to the conclusion he must be euthanized. 

This decision was made last weekend and announced by Administrative Assistant  Shelly Martin.

“We were appalled by what we found in Blu’s nest and can see the only way to punish him for his actions is the death penalty,” Martin said. 

No one, including local authorities, have been allowed into Blu’s nest, located in Schofield Hall. Because of this, there have been no outside sources confirming the administration’s claim of Blu’s crime.

Since Blu is technically owned by the university and is an animal, he has no legal rights. The administration is free to do as they please. 

“When a pitbull tears your two-year-old child apart, you have that dog put down,” Martin said. “Blu is getting what he deserves here.” 

Martin explained they are going to euthanize Blu publicly in the campus mall on Halloween night. 

“We have cut into the Student Senate funds in order to purchase a guillotine for the event,” Martin said. “It will be a truly scary event for all attending.”

Martin said once Blu’s head rolls onto the ground, it will be placed on a spike in front of Schofield Hall as a “spooky decoration.”

Margaret Swiss, an assistant to the chancellor, also announced the UWEC mascot will be changing once Blu is gone. 

“Due to Blu’s crimes against humanity, we will no longer be using him as the UW-Eau Claire mascot,” Swiss said. “We will be adopting the ‘Mallards’ as our new mascot, keeping our colors as blue and gold.”

Blu will be executed at 9:00 p.m. at the campus mall on Halloween night. All those attending are told to wear a mask and socially distance. If anyone tries to steal Blu’s head, they will be expelled immediately.

Doyle can be reached at [email protected].