(Disclaimer: These horoscopes are written for comedic purposes and are not meant to be taken seriously. Any similarities to real life are purely coincidental). 

Welcome to another lovely round of “Horoscopes?”

I’ve been gone for a bit of a stretch, but now I am back and more ready than ever to tell you exactly how you should live your life. It’s my favorite thing to do, and personally I believe it is my greatest talent.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22)

Happy birthday season, Scorpio. Now, I’m not one for sentimentality, but I believe it’s important to remember special occasions like these.

And there is only one way to really mark a memory: tattoo time.

Don’t even second-guess yourself. Make that appointment, choose whichever Pokémon design is your favorite and just commit.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21)

This is a very important week, Sagittarius. Don’t forget to vote (if you haven’t already). Celebrate your right to vote by laminating your “I Voted” sticker, then wear it with pride every day until the next election.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

Now is not the week to go down the Netflix rabbit hole, Capricorn. You forgot about this, but you have an exam tomorrow. The stars are telling me it’s going to be rough.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

Blu isn’t the only mythological animal on campus. Putnam Park is not safe. Barry the Beaver is out there, waiting.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)

No, Pisces. It is not “officially Christmas” now that it’s November. Put the decorations away for at least another month. 

Show Thanksgiving a little respect.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You’ve been feeling a little under the weather lately, Aries. But it’s not COVID-19. You’re developing a new allergy.

You’re allergic to Collaborate Ultra. Guess you can’t go to your virtual classes anymore.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

There is a stray cat living by the dumpster in the alley behind my house. I have affectionately named him Garbage.  

You are destined to be Garbage’s best friend.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21)

You still don’t have a future.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

We’re about to have a lovely week of warm-ish weather — probably our last warm week of the year.

Take advantage of this special time by going for one last swim in Half Moon Lake. 

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)

You have some leftover candy from Halloween. There is absolutely no shame in eating it all in one sitting, Leo. 

That’s what I tell myself, anyway. No shame.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

You’re waiting on a call back about that potential job. Have no fear, Virgo, it’s in the bag. However, you will probably hate it.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23)

You’re experiencing a bit of a grade dip, Libra. Don’t worry, though, the stars are telling me they’ll pick back up again. You’ll just have to stop taking so many naps.

Fuerstenberg can be reached at [email protected].