(Disclaimer: This article is satire and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the views of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.)

Student Health Service made an announcement last weekend of their updated COVID-19 antigen testing protocols.

Previously, on-campus and off-campus students would be tested weekly in various locations on campus by appointment only.

Now, SHS workers will come to students’ houses, apartments and dorms in person to administer the antigen test.

The announcement was made by Jodi Green, a physician at SHS, via an online video conference where she gave details about the plan.

“In order to make sure SHS workers will arrive at the students’ housing when the students are there, we will have the workers arrive between the hours of 2 am and 6 a.m.,” Green said.

Every student will be notified by email on the date of their weekly test day, but Green says the time of the test will be random due to travel between locations.

“Students should be aware of their day and be ready to be woken up between the hours of  2 and 6 a.m.,” Green said. “The test will only take five minutes and the results will be given by the end of the day.”

Green noted this new way of testing was being implemented because students complained about the previous method.

“We got many complaints from students who said it was inconvenient to go to McPhee or the Dakota Ballroom, so we thought, why not bring the testing to them?” Green said.

The new system will be established next week and students should receive their testing date later this week.

“If you are not in your room between the hours of 2 and 6 a.m. on your testing day, you will be immediately expelled,” Green said. “So please, do us a favor and go to bed in your own place of living. We will wake you when it’s time for your test.”

Doyle can be reached at [email protected].