(Disclaimer: This article is satire and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the views of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.)

Outrage filled the entire UW-Eau Claire student body this past weekend after the administration finally announced its plan for dealing with the most recent racist incident. 

Last Saturday, in an email sent to the entire student body, administrative assistant Katy Fraun outlined the administration’s new plans in dealing with racism on campus.

“The UW-Eau Claire administration has studied these racist incidents closely, and seen a very interesting trend,” Fraun said. “These incidents were mostly done by students in, or previously a part of, our athletics department.”

Fraun outlined why this was a big issue for the administration.

“Athletics bring in a lot of revenue for the school, so it is important that we do not go separating the players of our great D3 teams after a couple players slip up,” Fraun said. “We know our Blugold athletes work harder than the other students, so it is important that we keep them in school.”

To negate these issues, the administration has decided to grant all previous and current Blugold athletes “diplomatic immunity” from racist incidents. 

“These last two snapchat incidents have given us such a large headache,” Fraun said. “So by keeping both current and previous Blugold athletes protected from punishment, we can focus our efforts on other students more deserving of punishment.” 

These new rules are effective immediately. A student only needs to spend one season on an athletics team to receive immunity. 

Students and staff were appalled by the email Fraun sent, and are threatening to transfer or not return after this semester. 

Admissions counselor Judy VanDenwell is unsure of UW-Eau Claire’s future.

“Many students are threatening leaving or transferring, but where will they go, UW-Stout? Fat chance,” VanDenwell said. 

VanDenwell explained that due to the COVID-19 pandemic, staff will have difficulty finding new jobs.

“The university may very well get away with this,” VanDenwell said. “I predict admissions will most likely remain the same. We may even have a heightened interest in the athletics department from counties like Baraboo County.”

Third-year English student Brian Parker is one of the students dropping immediately if the administration does not cancel their decision.

“It’s appalling, everyone is beyond surprised, beyond flabbergasted,” Parker said. “I would rather hate myself every day going to UW-Green Bay than attend a racist institution.” 

Many staff members have already threatened letters of resignation if nothing changes, many announcing they would rather be unemployed than work for a racist school. 

The threats of resignation and dropping out or transferring are giving the administration until the end of the week to change their mind. 

More updates to follow. 

Doyle can be reached at [email protected].