(Disclaimer: This article is satire and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the views of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.)

Many students voiced their concerns last semester to the university administration about the safety of students on campus amidst the COVID-19 pandemic. 

Even with new classroom capacity guidelines, mask rules and required antigen testing, many students still felt unsafe. 

Administrative Assistant Brad Dole was happy to report that plenty of students returned for the spring semester, even amidst their concerns for safety. 

“Some students called for all classes to be online, others demanded refunds after already agreeing to pay for their tuition and housing months before,” Dole said. “We are happy that they have all changed their minds.” 

Dole explained that UW-Eau Claire students were well aware of what the fall semester could possibly bring, but many students still demanded refunds and complained about the unfairness of the situation. 

“Most of these discussions and complaints can be seen on the toxic cesspool that is ‘UWEC Memes for Trend-Setting Teens,’ the student-run Facebook meme page,” Dole said. “Only time will tell us what they will complain about next.”

Many students did indeed return to campus this spring, even following less-than tasteful experiences with campus faculty and staff. 

One of these students is third-year music student Connor Spiers. 

Spiers was one of the “heroes” who tweeted directly at the Chancellor about how unsafe he felt, and even tweeted at news stations in an attempt to get bad press on the Chancellor. 

“Yeah, I’m back, it was all a bluff,” Spiers said. “I was really hoping they would let every class go online, but what am I going to do, miss a semester? Do I look that stupid?” 

Spiers explained that everyone who complained had no real solutions that would benefit everyone in the student body, so they just appealed to themselves.

“I don’t really care if you would learn better in an in-person environment or need to have a professor be there with you in some stupid lab — this pandemic is scary,” Spiers said. “COVID is too dangerous for us to be on campus now, and we need refunds.”

Spiers assured The Tator that he was indeed returning for this spring semester.

Another student who was demanding a refund last semester was second-year psychology student Chad Belle.

Belle said he sent passive aggressive emails to housing more than halfway through the semester and well past the date of refunds being available because he felt unsafe.

“Cases were on the rise, and yes, I knew this was a possibility going into the semester, but I took that chance,” Belle said.

Belle said he was able to go home once his classes went online in November of last year, and proceeded to demand his refund even then.

“Yeah I lost my gamble, but I was no longer going to be at school, so I should get my refund,” Belle said. “It’s not like the university needs to make money or anything. Their goal should be to appease any and all students, even during a pandemic.”

Belle assured The Tator that he was indeed returning for this spring semester. 

Students have until Feb. 12 to withdraw and receive a full refund on tuition. 

Doyle can be reached at [email protected].