(Disclaimer: This article is satire and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the views of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.)

Last weekend, a survey was published by the UW-Eau Claire psychology department in which they asked questions relating to school choice to a variety of Blugolds.

Fourth-year psychology student Laura Knox created the survey after becoming curious of how many people had similar college application processes to hers when she was an incoming first-year student. 

“I , like many Minnesotans here at UWEC, applied to get into the University of Minnesota-Twin Cities,” Knox said, “And I frequently saw people on campus wearing U of M merch, and I wondered exactly how many people were going to UWEC because they didn’t get accepted to U of M.” 

Knox explained that the more she thought about it, she realized that many Wisconsinites going to UW-Eau Claire  also wear UW-Madison apparel.

“I really wanted to find out how many students were attending UW-Eau Claire because they couldn’t make it into a better school,” Knox said, “but I was surprised when I found out that over 75% of Blugolds never had intentions of being Blugolds.” 

Within her sample size, Knox surveyed students from Wisconsin, Minnesota and out of state. Her results remained consistent across each class of students. 

“Most students listed Madison or Twin Cities as their first school of choice, and others even listed Duluth and La Crosse,” Knox said. “It seems like no one wanted to come here if they could avoid it.”

Knox said that after publishing her findings this past weekend, she wanted to explore other schools in the UW system to see if they have similarities with UW-Eau Claire.

“I think we would find similar results at the universities in Green Bay and La Crosse, but I am really interested in UW-Stout,” Knox said. “Where on the list of choices was UW-Stout for those students, third? Fourth? Fifth? I would be interested to find out.”

Knox’s survey got the attention of the UW-Eau Claire admissions office, which led to admissions counselor Jodi Parker making a statement, confirming what Knox’s survey showed.

“Most students touring UWEC are doing so to have a back-up,” Parker said. “It is very seldom that we see a student genuinely interested in the school over others in the surrounding states.”

Parker said that many students have Eau Claire as their first choice because they cannot get into schools like Madison due to their grade point average or ACT score, and applying would be a waste of time.  

“Is Eau Claire their first-choice school in this case? Some would argue no,” Parker said. “Regardless, most incoming freshmen wish they were attending another school, which is why we have to sell everyone on how beautiful our campus is instead of its academics.” 

Parker acknowledged that many people become happy with UW-Eau Claire after attending it, but she does not think that anyone “falls in love” with the campus.

“Anyone who wanted to go to UW-Madison, but two years later falls in love with Eau Claire is kidding themselves,” Parker said. “People become content with going to a mediocre school, and then try to make themselves feel better about it.” 

Parker said that the best course of action for these students is to transfer to the school they really wanted and stop kidding with themselves. 

Doyle can be reached at [email protected].