This is unsolicited advice about relationships. In my extremely unsolicited opinion: if you’re turning to a Spectator column to get relationship advice, you should just be single.

No really, break up with them. You’ll thank yourself down the line.

Relationships are overrated, and that’s coming from someone who spent a good chunk of her young adult life searching for one. 

Not to sound too cliche here or anything, but all of that wet garbage people spew about loving yourself first is pretty true.

There’s nothing wrong with desiring a romantic connection, and it’s perfectly okay to not have it all together while being in a relationship

I’m just speaking from my own experience as well as situations involving my loved ones that I’ve witnessed. 

Now, here are a few tell tale signs your relationship is doomed.

Your partner does not meet basic City Girl criteria

That was just my creative writing brain trying to say ‘they meet the bare minimum’ in a cute and relatable way.

In context to letting folks know what you need, JT says “House, cars, credit cards, don’t forget the keys”.

If you’re dating as an adult, hopefully your potential person at least has a drivers license, a car and a job. If not, it’s no sweat; everyone gets knocked off of their feet at some point.

It’s only an issue if you notice you have a tendency to go for partners that do not have it together in the slightest.

If they can’t keep a job, they sleep on the curb. Always reserve the curb. Leave out a pillow and blanket if you have to.

He is a ‘momma’s boy’

This one is specifically for readers who are dating heterosexual CIS men. 

Parents do indeed have a heavy influence on what kind of partners we tend to select in our adult life. However, that doesn’t mean that they should have any more influence beyond that extent.

The issue with this one here is, men having good relationships with their mothers should be a green flag, right?

Not where emotional incest is concerned. 

Many light years ago, I was dating this man whose mother wanted to meet me on the first date. 

Like any normal person, I thought that was weird and unnecessary, so I politely declined.

On the second date I was informed far too late that we would be meeting his mom, no ifs, ands or buts.  His mom lectured me about how it was rude that I didn’t want to meet her right away.

She then droned on about how I didn’t make a great first impression and that if I ever hurt her son she would make my life miserable.

You know, standard second date stuff.

If his mom is anything like that, then you should just accept that you will always come third or fourth priority in the love triangle between you, him and mommy dearest.

You start to pick up unhealthy habits around them

If you’re like me and you have this unwavering and undeserved confidence that you can fix people, this one will definitely happen. 

It could be anything from staying up until four in the morning, to drinking or smoking whenever they do.

Sometimes when we don’t have a strong footing on our needs, identity and routine, we can easily lose ourselves. 

Relationships can be a really great distraction from the world we’re forced to live in now, but codependency can really make your life worse.

They Lovebomb you

It’s hard to see past being love bombed when you don’t know what it is. 

They could shower you in affection for months at a time and all of the sudden they can become really cold and distant, then it’s your fault.

It could look like someone spending loads of money on you and then holding it against you later on in the relationship.

Even though some of those movies and shows make it seem like immediately expressing love is so romantic, it really is just plain sketchy.

How can you expect for someone to truly know and love you if you’ve only known them for a few weeks.

If you’re reading this and happen to have a relationship that is healthy and prosperous, good for you, really. 

Go ahead and send this to that loved one that would definitely be better off by themselves.

Relationships are truly overrated. If your partner does any of these things or does not enhance your life, you will be so much better off if you kick them to the curb.

Ftouhi can be reached at [email protected].