This is a satirical article and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the opinions of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.

An anonymous and fictitious first-year student said he’s doing all the right things; buying flags, wearing retro-looking Target graphic T-shirts, making “your mom” jokes and even trying alcohol, yet he’s not receiving praise for being the coolest kid at UW-Eau Claire.

“I really don’t get it,” he said. “I’m clearly the GOAT. Easily the coolest person here, I’m doing all the sickest things, but I haven’t even seen the popular group, much less become its leader.”

The student arrived in Eau Claire last month and said he quickly took advantage of the opportunity to become a new person, the obvious first step being several Amazon purchases to better show off his coolness and individuality in his new dorm.

“You’re not going to use my name, right?” he said. “Because I’ll sue if you do. Okay, so I was a loser in high school — I ate lunch in the library. But I knew I wanted to be different here.”

According to the student, he paid extra for overnight shipping on a new Barstool Sports flag, remote-controlled LED light strips and a tapestry containing a number of classic hip hop albums he’s never listened to.

While waiting for his room to become “sheesh-able,” his next stop was Target. 

“I spent like $100 on shirts,” he said. “I Googled ‘best obscure but cool animes’ and decided to buy a Naruto shirt, then a couple of rock band ones like Metallica (pronounced metal-leak-a) and a few funny but cool ones, like a gangster Spongebob shirt.”

Brandon Fictional, a third-year geography student and the student’s resident assistant, said he’s worried about the student.

“He hasn’t attended the majority of his classes,” Fictional said. “He keeps saying things like ‘I’ve seen movies, cool kids skip class.’” 

Now that the student looks the part, he said it was time to act the part. When he does go to class, he makes sure to act as funny as possible in it.

“I disrupt class at every opportunity,” he said. “I say ‘your mom’ to every question my professors ask and make fart noises the rest of the time.”

He said all of this hard work is useless if he’s not a “party animal,” so he even broke the law — and drank alcohol underage.

He reached out to his older brother’s friend, Sarah Nonexistent, in search of “brewskis.” Nonexistent obliged.

“Yeah the kid told me he wanted last weekend to be a movie,” Nonexistent said. “So I charged him $70 for a six-pack of Heineken 0.0, per his brother’s request. He was practically in tears thanking me.”

According to the student, it was a wild night.

“I drank almost two whole brewskis,” he said. “It got too wild so I dumped one out, but they were such a steal I wasn’t pressed. Then, because I’m just nutty like that I left my dorm to get weird.”

According to Fictional, the student pounded on his door and shouted “police, give me all your popcorn,” then sprinted down the hall screaming “sheesh” before running face-first into his dorm door.

The student also said he doesn’t want to vape but knows it’s cool, so he makes sure to loudly watch as many vape trick videos as possible when in public.

“It’s ridiculous,” he said. “I’m cool. my dorm’s cool. I’m a party animal and a savage, but nobody seems to notice.” 

Note: The Spectator does not condone drinking “brewskis” while underaged, nor does it condone paying so much for nonalcoholic “brewskis” at any age.

Johnson can be reached at [email protected].